A conversation with a friend...

I have been in a pondering mood as of late. Trying to do some soul searching, and trying to get some answers. I like it. I need to learn...more about myself, and more about why I believe what I believe. Although, sometimes my desire to understand out-weighs my desire to sleep. I can't shut my brain off. Hence why I am sitting here at 12:55am. Yawn.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day. Well not a true conversation, just the facebook kind. And I am not too sure I would call it a conversation...maybe it was more like a discussion (or at least that is the way it started).

A little background. This friend and I have been friends since my Germany days. Her husband was stationed at Ramstein at the same time as Trace. She has the most infectious smile - the light up the room kind. And she likes to laugh, and we liked to laugh together. She listened about my struggles with the whole military thing, assured me when I was afraid that I couldn't have anymore kids. We scrapbooked. We even worked out together when we were attempting to be good and healthy. A great friend. We kept in touch for the first few moves after Germany - but then lost track (which happens all too often with the military life).

So fast forward to the time when I joined facebook. I found this friend again. It was nice to catch up - and learn how our lives and kids have grown and changed. Truth be told, I was shocked a little at first, when I learned that she no longer believed the same things that I do. I thought about it, and although I couldn't understand why she changed, I understood that it really didn't matter - not to our friendship anyway.

A couple of summers ago, Trace and I got to getaway for a weekend. It was for a marriage-strengthening seminar, sponsored by the military. I would not have given any thought of going, except for it was all-expense paid, including reimbursement for childcare. A weekend without kids, for free? So what if we had to go to a few classes? No big deal.

So we went. I am glad we did. We learned a lot about each other, and more importantly about ourselves. Part of the seminar dealt with personality types. I took a test - and found out that I am "green". This means I am an analyzer. A thinker. The test used words like tolerant, humble, respectful, unyielding, judgmental, deeply-committed and trustworthy. It also said there is a strong need for harmony. A major strength is that I am respectful and accepting of others. However, I have a tendency to be judgmental. I am a big picture thinker - I tend to have trouble solving a problem until I know how the problem relates to that big picture. Because of that, I can make things more complicated than they need to be. "Greens" can become discouraged when they think the world or people around them are out of tune with the right values. Greens don't care as much as about being right as they care that things are right with the world. But, if I focus too much on what is fair or right for the world, I can become less sensitive to the needs of an individual.

I have to say, I was amazed at the accuracy of the test. It really does apply to me. It was nice to see my strengths and hard to see my weaknesses - and what I need to be careful of. I try to be respectful and I try not to be judgmental. It's hard for me to understand why others can't see the big picture. And since that summer, I have really been trying to make an effort to be respectful and accepting, even when all is not right with the world.

Here enters the discussion with my friend. She had posted a link on her wall to an article about the Mormon church, and how it is trying to revamp it's image. It was asking "do good individuals equal a good church?" I read it. The article discussed several issues, including the church's stance on homosexuality, and how image control is just an effort to cover up the church's blunders. It made valid points, but also assumed much. My friend messaged on her wall with the link "This really brings up some valid points and in no way is meant to be offensive to the members of the Mormon church. But truth is truth!"

I looked at her comments, and someone had replied: "Interesting article, and I agree! You can appreciate and love someone for their character and qualities but disagree with their church's doctrines." I agree with that comment. I then commented: "I wish more people took that approach of appreciating someone for their character, and not judging them by their personal doctrine. However, I wonder why it is considered 'hatred' when that same approach is used with regard to sexual orientation."

My friend and I went back and forth, both making good points. It was done in a way that allowed us both to put our opinions out there, without feeling attacked. I have to say, I really enjoyed it. And even though I didn't agree with her, it gave me some really good insight. Good food for thought. Then other people voiced their thoughts and opinions, in a more aggressive manner - and it started to turn into something ugly. So much for a good discussion. Now the old me - I would have been right there defending my beliefs and righting the wrongs. But as hard as it was, I backed away. The discussion continued without me, although most of it was about me and my views (and it wasn't pretty).

I sat back, trying to sort my emotions. What was the point? Was I wrong to even get involved in a conversation that had an inevitable ugly ending? Was I foolish to put my beliefs out there, thinking that they would be respected? Was I naive to believe someone could agree to disagree without mud-slinging? The answer? Yes. And no.

There's that saying, "You've got to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything". It's actually a song. I think. At the beginning of me and my friend's conversation, I set out to understand why some individuals can't see the hypocrisy of the acceptance of character, but apply it only to certain characters or individuals. But as it progressed, I found myself putting into words, what I truly believed. My thoughts came out quickly and flowed freely. I was able to clearly think and I gained a better understanding of why I feel the way I feel. I was gaining a stronger testimony. But I was only able to do that, by getting involved - by putting myself out there.

After I put my heart on the facebook line - I felt safe, for awhile, as my friend and I exchanged thoughts. Then I felt it get trampled, by my friend's friends. It was foolish to think that what I said mattered to everyone. Or was it? No, it certainly mattered - just not in the way I intended. You can't please everyone - which is tough for a girl who needs harmony.

But what did I really learn? I learned to trust in the big picture. For me, that big picture is the Plan of Salvation. The idea of family, of being forever, of being eternal and knowing where we come from and who created us. The Atonement. Yes, we answer to the laws of this land. We vote for them, we fight for them. We have our own title of liberty. We fight for our faith, our freedom, and family. But at the end of the day, and at the end of this life, there are higher laws as to which we must abide. I will be held accountable for my choices. Seeing the big picture, I know that I can stand for what I believe in. And even if mud flies my way, I just have to remember that all a little dirt really hurts is my ego - and I'll survive, as long as I am standing on a firm foundation.