I am the elephant in the room.

So, it's no big news that I have a weight problem. It's a struggle I have been dealing with since I had my first kid. People warned me that once you start having kids - your body treats you different.

I hate that they were right.

And I regret that I didn't listen.

Diet after diet - it just kind of gets depressing. All you read about is how if you just exercise and diet enough, you will lose the weight (thanks Biggest Loser). To a degree that is true. Now dropping 20lbs in a diet/exercise mode is easy. I have done it so many times - it's kind of sad. But it's after the 20lbs that gets me frustrated. The diet seems to stop working. Again. And again. Some call it a plateau - but I don't. For a person my size, losing 20lbs is not a plateau - it's just a drop in the bucket. It appears that my body doesn't like change. Big surprise there - neither does my mind or heart. I guess that's the problem.

I have always been pretty sure about where I come from and where I want to go. I have a loving husband. Awesome kids. My parents and siblings all love me and have been very supportive of me. But it's what they don't say to me...because it's too painful and I don't want to hear. And they don't lecture me because they love me. They know that if they say too much, I will probably collapse - along with the fine house of cards that I have been carefully building for appearance sake. It isn't a ready topic for discussions at family get-togethers or reunions. But I am very aware it's there. I feel it when I hug somebody. I see it in a friend's eyes who hasn't seen me since my pre-baby days. I see the worry on my parents face, as they know what kind of life (or the lack thereof) lies ahead for me. And what about my poor supportive husband, who just wants me to be healthy? He gets the pleasure of walking a really fine line between being my support coach and being a little too supportive, which I then turn into criticism. But just because no one talks about it, doesn't mean it isn't there. The fact remains the same.

I am the elephant in the room.

Everyone has faults, black skeletons hidden deep away in a dark closet of choices. Not everyone wears those faults for world to see. But mine? Mine is right out there, screaming to anyone who looks. I AM FAT! (Which unfortunately translates to most as I AM FAT BECAUSE I CAN'T STOP EATING AND I AM LAZY). Now honestly, strangers, or those who have never had to understand what it is truly like to be overweight (I am not just talking about the being-pregnant-kind of overweight here) - what they think and how they judge people like me really doesn't bother me too deeply. In their defense, they just don't know. They don't know me. And they don't know all my struggles.

But my friends and family? Now that's a different story. It's completely opposite actually. I very much care about what my loved ones think and how they feel about me. What's interesting is I find myself trying to justify my current weight and my efforts to change it every chance I get. Whether it's me telling them about this diet I have started, an awesome exercise routine I found, or my on-going battle with PCOS - I always try to make it sound like I am trying fix my problem. Why? Guilty conscience. I know what I have done. I know I have let them down. I have let my kids down. I have let myself down. And I am failing at trying to fix it.

Feeling like a failure, and being reminded so with every look in the mirror, doesn't do good for one's well-being. It wears on a person. Literally. At what point did I wake up and realize that the person staring back at me in the mirror wasn't me? Sure, I recognized the chubby checks, brown hair, and the not so funny laugh-lines. But the eyes? Something was different about the eyes. Ah, yes. They were different. Dull. Transparent. Hopeless. Full of disappointment and embarrassment. Where did the spark go? Where was my spunk? My feisty-ness had done got up and left. And found myself emotionally hiding behind a wall of white, fluffy fat. How is it that a body can get bigger and a heart get smaller at the same time?

I have no answers, and probably won't for sometime. What I do know, is that it's time. It's a battle to feel good about one's self when in constant defeat. These battles are obviously taking their toll. Enough is enough. I miss me. And I miss my life. So, I enlisted in the battle of all battles. It's gonna be epic. And I am ready for epic.

On December 1st, I had gastric bypass surgery. It was a decision 5 years in the making. Yes, 5 years from the time I got the information from the insurance until the time I took the plunge. It took me that long to realize that I am okay. I am okay to ask for help. And I am not alone. It was a nerve-racking decision to make. But I did it. And I feel great. Let me be clear - I know gastric bypass is not a cure. It is just a tool. I know that there will be a lot of healing taking place over the next 1 1/2 years. Oh how my soul aches for some healing.

Of course, there has been some nay-sayers about the surgery. (It would be very immature of me to stick my tongue out and say pstubshhsshhst to them, wouldn't it?) There will always those - and quite frankly, I am used to being judged. They don't know me. They don't know my heart. And I don't feel like I have to justify my reasons. (again with the pstubshshshstst) It is what it is. I am fat and I am doing something about it. I have full support of my family. And with their love, and my fight - I feel up to the challenge.

The best thing so far? I am starting to remember who I am. There's some spunk in my eyes. Just a little bit anyway. I am two weeks post-surgery. I am sore. I am tired. I feel great and a little scared.

There's hope after all.

Funnies...

So I haven't been very diligent with writing down all the funny things the kids say...but every once in awhile I remember jot it down. I think I finally have enough....

Right after Luke was born and home from the hospital, this conversation took place between me and Trent:

Trent: MOM! Can I go...

Me: (in a forced whisper) Shhhh - I am feeding Luke, you need to be quiet.

Trent: But Mom - I just wanted...

Me: (forced whisper and angry eyes) I mean it! When I am finished I will talk to you.

Trent: Mo...Oh ya. Mom are you still milking?

Me: It's called nursing. Milking is for cows. I am not a cow.

Although I may feel like it with the amount of milk Luke drinks...but I am not about to admit that to my 6 yr old boy.

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Hannah and I were talking while Luke was taking a nap, and I was quizzing her on animal noises.

Mom: What makes this noise? Oink. Oink.

Hannah: A pig.

Mom: Good job. So what makes this noise? Cockledoodledoo!!!

Hannah: A flying pig.

To take a line from Charlotte's Web, Now that SOME PIG!

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Trent was making all his animal and car noises, when I asked him to stop:

Mom: Trent, Puh-lease be quiet. I have a migraine.

Trent: What's a migraine.

Mom: It's a kind of headache.

Trent: Is it the kind where they have to drill a hole in your head to make you feel better?

Mom: No, it's just a really bad headache. It kind of feels like there's somebody in there trying to make my head explode.

Trent: Oooohh, I know. It's where you hear voices in your head and they keep talking, and it makes your head hurt.

I just don't even know where to start with that one.

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Words between me and Hannah:

Me: Oooo, Mom's getting sleepy. I think it's time for you to go to bed Hannah.

Hannah: No Thank you.

Hmmm - Polite AND defiant. Two words that I never thought would be in the same sentence when describing a 2 yr old.

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I was in the kitchen, kneading some dough for pizza on the counter. Apparently, Trent has never seen me do this (um...where has he been for the past 6 years?) He came and looked over the counter top and said with big eyes full of astonishment, "Wow, Mom! I didn't know you knew how to do that. It's like you are a REAL Chef!"

Isn't that part of a mother's resume? Not all moms are good chefs - but we do have to feed our kids. Glad to know that I now qualify as a REAL Chef.

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Today we were supposed to go to church. I was sick, as were Aleana and Hannah. So we stayed home and vegged. We have these huge bean bags in our TV room that are a favorite to lounge in, and make for perfect "veg" time in front of the tube. Tracy took his place squarely in the middle of the green one, wrapped himself up in a cozy blanket, and tuned into the football game. Soon enough, Aleana and Hannah cozied up next to him, one on each side. I thought it was cute...him and his girls watchin' the game. A few moment later, Aleana said, "Wow, dad! Nigeria just scored some points!" Tracy asks "Nigeria? Where did you get that from?". Aleana - "You know NYG - NIIGGGERRRIIAA". Tracy was laughing so hard, he was barely able to explain who the New York Giants were.

Although it was funny, you have to hand it to her. At least she was trying to understand it. She gets some kudos points for that.

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And now for some old quotes that I found in an old draft - but never posted. Of course, they are all said by Trent:

Mom, I'm not sick anymore. My red eyes are white and my snotting is gone!

I am glad you are feeling good?

Mom, when is Aleana going to get bath-tized?

Everyday or else she stinks. Oh, you mean bap-tized? :)

When Hannah was just a newborn, I asked Trent to "keep an eye on her" while I got him a snack. When I came back, he said "Mom, someone has to take care of Hannah, I can't handle all of this."

If we were like the Incredibles we could save a lot of people.

Does being a Mom count as a Super Hero? I'd like to think so :)

Scary Skeleton - One on one

Trent - Halloween 2010

What is your favorite toy to play with? This (holds up the toy he has) boxing machine.

How many teeth have you lost? 5

What is your favorite thing about school? Recess (Not too surprised on that one!)

What is your least favorite chore to do? Help wash the dishes. (Probably because he just had to do that.)

How pieces of pizza can you eat? Like about 3. Cuz one time at the church primary program practice thing I ate like 3 maybe 4, and then some Oreo cookies.

What is you favorite game to play? XBox

What is your favorite color? Blue

What book do you like to read the most? Bad Kitty vs. Uncle Murray

What is it like to be a big brother? That I can climb on top of the monkey bars and walls and poles. It's fun cuz I can do all sorts of things

What do you miss about the summer? Swimming. Just swimming.

What is your favorite animal? Hummingbird because when we went to Silver City the hummingbird's tails were really pretty when they would fly and eat nectar.

Tell me a joke -

Trent: Knock, Knock.

Me: Who's there?

Trent: Interrupting Cow

Me: Interrupti...

Trent: MOO!

What do you want to be when you grow up? Instead of being a baseball player, I changed my mind. I want to be a Tae Kwon Do teacher.

What is your favorite part about Christmas, besides getting presents? Set up the Christmas tree. I don't know.

Interview with my favorite Ice Princess

Aleana - Halloween 2010

What is your favorite color? Blue

Do you have a crush? Yes (with a nervous grin)

Who? Matth-ew (in broken whispers)

What is your least favorite food? Brussel sprouts

What game(s) do you like to play? Stratego, Dance Dance Revolution, Chess, 4-Square

What were you doing when you found out that your sister was born? Ummm - I was at some body's house, late at night, and then the phone rang and then they gave the phone to me and then they told me my sister was born.

How did you feel when Luke was born? That we are now part of a big family and that we'll probably have lots of nieces and nephews

What is your favorite food? Almost anything with noodles in it. Almost.

How many books have you read this year? I do not know. A lot.

What is your favorite memory? Ummm - this just came to my head, but I don't know if it's my favorite - but it's when dad was teaching me how to swim in Germany.

What is your first memory? Ummm - First memory? Was...when we went to some body's house and I was playing with this little Barney toy and I was also playing with this little car and the grown-ups were talking and I was sitting in the middle of the room.

What do you remember about being baptized? That I had a very happy feeling inside and it was the best feeling I ever felt. And that my mom was crying when I came into the bathroom to get changed. I also knew that I made the right choice to get baptized. And that I had a big party afterward. And people wrote notes to me and the other person who was getting baptized and I still have those notes to this day. And that I spilled orange juice on my dress.

Do prefer cats or dogs? Cats. Wait, actually it's kind of hard to decide. Ya, it's Cats.

Vanilla or chocolate ice cream? Chocolate (no hesitation in the one...)

What are you afraid of? Umm - Being on the edge of a very high place, but not necessarily height. Bad dreams, because I have really, really bad dreams. I am afraid of what can happen overnight like a fire or tornadoes and tsunamis because I don't want to drown. Oh, and people robbing us.

What is your favorite cookie? Double chocolate chip - or the thing that has the most chocolate in it.

What is your favorite thing about Christmas, besides the presents? How everybody is happy and how most people are happy because they are giving presents and they aren't thinking about themselves and are grateful for what they have.

What are you thinking about right now? Um, how ancient our computer looks, like it's really old.

What do you want to be when you grow up? I want to be a mathematician, a scientist or something that involves art or writing.

Update

We went to Luke's appointment with Dr. Cherny (peds neurosurgeon) yesterday.

His take on all of this? "It's a gray area". (Which, I have to say - it is quite an interesting way to word it since we are talking about gray matter). And although we were hoping that he would just say "All is well" and that the tests were a fluke, this is the next best thing. It means we aren't going to have to do any major surgery for the time being. But we will have to monitor things - because we just don't know.

Basically, Luke's hydrocephalus isn't common. Dr. Cherny only sees about 1-2 cases a year. The Dr. explained to us that he usually sees two group of kids that come in with big heads. The first big head group have no symptoms, other than the size of their noggins. When further tests are ran, it proves that there is nothing wrong. The ventricles are not dilated. Basically - they just have big heads.

The second big head group that he sees have other symptoms like decompensation of gross motor-skills, lethargy, sunsetting eyes - stuff that makes it obvious that there something is wrong. Upon testing, the results reveal enlarged ventricles (hydrocephalus). This group requires action to be taken. Surgery.

Luke obviously doesn't fit any of those groups. He behaves like a normal 9 month old baby. The only symptom he has is the size of his head. However, with his tests, we know he does in fact have enlarged ventricles. Now if all 4 of his ventricles were enlarged, then the Dr. wouldn't be too concerned. There are rare cases where the size of the ventricles may be large in comparison to the 'norm', but function just fine. The thing that is concerning is that the 4th ventricle is a normal size. So there is a good chance that Luke does in fact have aqueductal stenosis. It just might be very slow-moving.

Translation? Only time will tell. We talked to the Dr. for about an hour. He was very good at answering any questions, and we came up with a good plan. Luke will need to be seen by an opthamologist. His eyes will need to be dilated so the Dr. can see the nerves behind the eyes. It is common for those nerves to be inflamed when there is increased intracranial pressure (which is what we are worried about). If they are inflamed, then we know this is true hydrocephalus (vs. benign hydrocephalus) and we will have to do something about it. If they are not inflamed, then we just sit and wait. We will have to get another MRI (this time a sedation one) as well as see a developmental specialist to see where Luke is at in February.

So we wait. And then see how things go from there...

And we are okay with that.

A Diagnosis.

I know it seems like all I have blogged about lately is the baby. I do have other things in the works...but right now, this is our life...

Luke - 9 months

Stats:

Weight: 23lbs 3oz (75%)

Length: 29" (85%)

Head: 20" (off the chart - average size of a 3yr old)

Yes, you are reading it correctly. Our son is a big boy, with a really, really big noggin. Not too surprised there. All our kids have big heads. They get it from their father. Really. They get my chubby cheeks, and his giant head (and I am qualified to say "giant" head because I am the one who has given birth to them). That's just kind of the way our genes work. Of course this hasn't gone unnoticed by the doctor. Since Luke kind of had a rough start, he has been monitored fairly regularly. Sweet boy's head has been measuring completely off the charts since he was a month old. The Dr. hasn't been too worried, as the rest of Luke's measurements were hovering pretty high too (which is really pretty amazing considering everything).

However, all the changed when I took Luke in for his 9 month well-baby check. The nurse took us back to our room, and started taking measurements; weight, length and head. Routine stuff. Dr. Aldous comes in and starts asking the normal questions about development. No, Luke isn't technically crawling, but he is doing the army-crawl thing - so he's getting there. No, he can't sit up by himself. If I set him down, in a seated position, he's great. But once he's on his belly, he can't get back into the seated position. Yes, he's rolling over. Yes, he's eating solids. The Dr. listened to Luke's heart, checked his hips and all the other stuff. Then he measured Luke's head again. Dr. Aldous shook his head. He mumbled to himself, something about the measurements being right. Then he continues to ask me the same developmental/milestone questions again. It's not like anything has changed in the last 5 minutes, my answers were still the same. After he finished the second line of questioning, he told me he was concerned with the size of Luke's head. He acknowledged that big heads are normal for our kids, but he was worried about the spike in the growth pattern that Luke had been following. Dr. Aldous showed me on his computer screen. He was right. A spike, like a straight-up-kind-of -line, spike. He wanted to check and see if anything was wrong with his head and mentioned something about ventricles (not like I was really paying attention - Luke was just fine - sweet as ever). He ordered an ultrasound.

Now, to be honest, I didn't think that the test was warranted. Like I said before, my kids have big heads. Luke was just hitting a growth spurt. Why should I spend money for a needless test, especially with Christmas right around the corner? But - I have learned to trust Dr. Aldous. He was the one that was able to diagnose Luke with his swallowing/cyanosis issues as well as helping us figure out what treatments worked best with Luke's reflux. So, for peace of mind, we went to get the ultrasound done.

The cranial ultrasound was done on Luke's soft spot. It took about 20 minutes, with the technician talking to Luke, just so he would flash his dimples at her. Seriously those dimples wield magical powers. When she finished, she cleaned up his head and said, "Well, let me clear this with the Dr. (radiologist) and then we can release you".

Red Flag #1

Release me? Since when did I need to be released from an out-patient ultrasound?

The radiologist came in and had the technician get a few more shots of whatever was going on in Luke's head, as they quietly talked amongst themselves.

Red Flag #2

I began to get a little worried. The radiologist turned to me and said that there was concern about some of the ventricles in Luke's head.

What? Ventricles? What the...

"What do you mean?" I asked. She tried to explain it to me, but the sheer look of panic on my face must have told her to stop. She told me she would notify my Dr. and if I had anymore questions, then I could ask him.

Anymore questions? That's the scary part. I don't know anymore questions to ask. I don't know enough. What do ventricles even do?...

I arrived home at 12:15pm from the 10:30am ultrasound, and the Dr, not his nurse or MA, but Dr. Aldous himself called me at 12:30pm.

Man these red flags are coming up everywhere.

The Dr. explained a little more about what was going on:

The ultrasound showed that Luke's lateral and third ventricles were enlarged. (Which was surprising, given that all his ultrasounds in utero were normal). Enlarged ventricles can mean many things, most of which are scary for any parent to hear. They signify that there is a build up of CSF (cerebrospinal fluid - the fluid that basically bathes the brain to keep it protected as well as carry out the wastes produced by the brain) in the head. A medical term for it? Hydrocephalus.

Hydrocephalus, (congenital or acquired) is not "curable". It is a result from things like malformations, chromosomal disorders, cysts, tumors, blood-clots, intraventricular bleeds, stoke and on and on...Nothing good. However, not all of Luke's ventricles were enlarged - just the lateral and third, but not the 4th. This led the Dr. to believe it might be something called aqueductal stenosis. Aqueductal stenosis - is an obstruction or blockage (think slow moving drain) that is preventing enough CSF to flow through to the 4th ventricle, hence the build up. (CSF travels like a canal system - from the laterals, to the 3rd, and then the 4th). If hydrocephalus is not treated and managed correctly, ICP (intracranial pressure) can build up causing brain damage and sometimes death. Most of the time, putting a shunt in the brain to help drain the fluid is the only effective treatment.

Brain surgery.

Dr. Aldous wanted to get an MRI on Luke (which meant that Luke needed to be sedated) for a more detailed look. I can honestly say, that there was a lot to take in, and most of it I didn't understand. Well, until I googled it. Google is a necessary evil when it comes to worried moms.

I got off the phone in absolute shock. All Luke has, is a big head...no other signs, or symptoms - except for maybe his milestones. Other symptoms of hydrocephalus in babies are bulging soft spot, prominent veins on the scalp (which he may or may not have - kind of hard to tell if they are prominent because they are too big, or because he's bald and very, very white), sunsetting eyes, irritability, vomiting, and delayed milestones. His milestones are still considered in the "normal" range, but on the low side of that, which is I guess why the Dr. questioned me twice about it.

He's just suffering from 4th kid syndrome, he gets carried around too much. How can something be wrong with my baby? He's perfectly fine...right?

And then the pure panic, dread-in-the heart, mama-bear-showing-her-claws kind of Sheri came out. I wanted some answers.

Denise, Dr. Aldous's nurse, who understands the mom-heart-strings thing, did her best to get us scheduled for an MRI, which I greatly appreciate. I got a phone call from St. Luke's (yes, it seems Luke has his very own hospital - the irony) confirming the MRI for that Thursday. Three days of waiting, not too bad. But then I began to worry even more. Man, this must be serious. Not 2 hours later, I got another phone call from St. Luke's cancelling that very same appointment. The MRI scanner was down, and it would be at least 1 1/2 weeks to get the part and fix it. So I would have to wait. WAIT?!? This cannot wait. So then started all the phone calls between my Dr. and his nurse, the hospital, the peds neurosurgeon and his nurse, and me. Because Luke was showing no other symptoms, he was not technically considered an "emergency". Sure there were other MRI machines available, but Luke needs an anesthesiology team, because he has to get put under for the scan. No anesthesiologists were available unless is was an emergency. Grrr!

Finally, this past Monday (1 week since the ultrasound) I got a call from my Dr.'s office telling me that I needed to leave now, there was an MRI machine available for a one-shot MRI. From what I can tell, a one-shot MRI only takes a few minutes to scan (because it isn't a contrast MRI?). Therefore Luke wouldn't need to be sedated. So I rushed to the hospital, and they took Luke right in. They strapped him down, and the scan lasted a whole 6 minutes. He cried for a little bit, but seemed to be more enamored about the clicking noises he could hear through the earplugs. I was behind the window, looking at the screen as the images popped up. Obviously, I am not a radiologist, but even I could tell that the ventricles were indeed enlarged.

The technicians told me to expect to get the results in 24-48 hours. Great, more waiting. I feel like there is ticking time bomb and no one can move fast enough. Imagine my surprise (even though at this point, I really shouldn't be surprised), when I get a call from Dr. Aldous' office 2 hours after the scan, telling me that the radiologist had called and confirmed what the ultrasound found: enlarged ventricles. I asked what that meant, and they didn't know the details because the official results weren't in yet. The radiologist was just calling Dr. Aldous to give him a heads up. Dr. Aldous had put in a call to Dr. Cherny (peds neurosurgeon) to get a consult, as Luke is the only case that has presented like this, in all of Dr. Aldous' 25 years of being a pediatrician. But we all know how easy it is to contact a neurosurgeon, not to mention one with a specialty. Sigh. More waiting.

Wednesday, Dr. Aldous finally got the official results of the one-shot MRI: The same ventricles were enlarged. Mild to moderate Hydrocephalus confirmed. No growths detected. Suspect aqueductal stenosis - but cannot confirm. When I got off the phone I felt confused and relieved at the same time. Relieved because there weren't any significant cysts, tumors, or detectable malformations. Confused, because they are still not completely sure what is causing it.

Thursday, Dr. Aldous called me. He had finally got to talk to Dr. Cherny. Dr. Cherny felt there is definite cause for concern. And he wants to see us soon. However, from the sound of things - because it is mild to moderate - he wants to take a slower approach. Translation: We don't have to show up at the initial neurosurgeon appointment with our bags packed in preparation for surgery. HUGE relief. Dr. Aldous said he was quite surprised, as he thought Luke would need to get a shunt right away. Luke has his first appointment with Dr. Cherny this coming Tuesday. The treatment plan depends on what Dr. Cherny finds. He might want to send us to get more tests run. We might have to see more specialists to determine where Luke is with his milestones. We just don't know.

So now it is Friday, as I type this. It's the first time in almost two weeks that I haven't been on pins and needles waiting for a phone call. I have spent sleepless nights researching - trying to find someone else in the same boat as us. Trying to find hope. Trying to help Luke.

My house is trashed. My kids are worried.

I love holding my baby as he sleeps, and rubbing his perfectly round head (my favorite thing to do - he has loved it since day 1). Then reality hits me, with a stab in the heart. Here is this beautiful, sweet boy who is happy all the time. Here is this big boy who loves to cuddle and seems perfectly healthy, without a care in the world. He has no idea. How can this be happening?

He's just a baby, so innocent.

I have cried. Trace has cried. It's hard not knowing how to fix it. I am scared. I am reminded that it's not me in control. And perhaps the hardest thing for me to admit, is I can't make it all better. As a mom, that's my job. And I don't have that kind of band-aid. My dear, sweet Luke, I am so sorry. If I could take this from you, I would.

What we can do is pray. A lot. And hope. I know the Lord loves us, he is aware of our situation. And I do know that he hears and answers prayers.

The time has come...

As much as I have fought it, the time has come. I have decided to make my blog private. I originally set up this blog to keep my family and friends in the loop. Probably should keep it that way. If you want an invite - and didn't message me on facebook about it - leave a comment or email me your address.

Inevitable Milestones.

Time. (Sigh). Time is up to no good. Pretending to be ever constant and calm while it's just tick-ticking away. Beware, don't let it fool you. It speeds up and slows down at just the wrong...time. Diets, trials, and pregnancy - are all painfully slow. Children, birthdays, holidays, and school? They all seem to fly by way too fast.

Take babies for example. Such hard work to get here. The waiting, the planning, the labor. They get placed in your arms, and then you blink. Everything changes. With each baby you have, you gain a better understanding of how truly fast life keeps-a-movin'. And it won't wait for you. My first baby? I could not wait for the next new thing. The first smile. Baby food. Crawling. Walking. It was so much fun to experience it right along with her.

But this time? This time, it's different. I find myself holding on, desperately grasping every little thing I can. Maybe it's just me knowing, well not for sure, that Luke is our caboose. Honestly, I am fighting the whole way. I am kicking and screaming, and quite frankly getting a little teary-eyed every time he reaches a new milestone. It's not that I am unhappy. We are blessed. He is healthy and growing and learning. Each time I smell and kiss that Charlie Brown head of his, my heart warms. And aches. I am reminded that the baby smell won't last forever. I keep smelling it, hoping to permanently engrave it in my brain. Babies are beautiful.

It has been a big week of firsts for our sweet boy. The time has come to stop nursing. This has been, by far, the longest that I have nursed any of my kids. Reflux and his swallowing issues have played a big role in it. And even though it was hard and demanding, I came to love it. In some ways, I needed it just as much as he did.

Weaning? Well, that is another story. NOT fun. Luke refused to take a bottle. First, I tried my normal cold turkey approach. Apparently he was a little more attached (er, latched) to nursing than I thought. So, I slowed it down a bit, only trying the bottle for one feeding a day. I tried for two weeks...TWO very long, agonizing weeks. I tried everyday, for 1 1/2 hours - to get him to take a bottle, or at least a sippy-cup. He would not have it. He seemed to get little angrier with each attempt (hence the not fun part). So for that feeding time, I would have to resort to using a syringe and dropping the milk in his mouth. And the kicker was he didn't seem to mind the syringe. Temporary solution, I'll take whatever I can.

Sixty dollars, 9 different bottles, 4 different sippy-cups, and three syringes later - I found something that worked. I had to swaddle him, burrito baby style, with his right arm out. Lay him on a pillow, on my bed, where he could be propped up. I could lay by him, but not touch him. I had my phone set on games, plus five more baby toys that make noise, lined up to entertain and distract him, as he played with his free arm. Then I had to dip the top of the bottle nipple (Nuk orthodontic was the magic bottle for us) in corn syrup, and put the bottle in his mouth. He would take a few swallows, until the corn syrup taste wore off, then I would have to repeat. But he caught on. And when he finished that bottle - we both did a happy dance. It's silly - the things we do for babies. The happy dance was short-lived as reality hit - another milestone has been reached. The little twinge in my heart told me so.

Luke has also started crawling. Sort of. He has taken the longest out of all the kiddos to reach this stage (he outlasted Hannah by a month and Aleana and Trent by 3 1/2 months). He started out doing the funniest thing. I can't describe his crawling method, except he looked just like an inch-worm, inching across the floor, with his bum up in the air and everything. I am kicking myself because I didn't get it on video. And now I can't, because he has officially moved to the army crawl stage. I think he will stay here for awhile. That's what I am telling myself, so I can still remain in full denial mode. My baby is NOT growing up, and there is no reason to be sad because no new milestone has been reached. (My method of thinking is flawed I know.)

Then something wonderful happened in this week of firsts. Luke said his first real word. It wasn't the "just making noises and repeating them back" kind of word, but an actual word, with recognition. Any guesses? Was it following suit of his siblings by saying, "da-da"? Nope. Luke has broken from the pack. Yes sir, he has bucked the tradition of this household. And he has scored major points with me. That's right, he said "Mama". Maybe that's why we share birthdays.

1st Halloween - Chunky Monkey

Okay, so maybe I can't slow down how quick babies grow and change. I can't stop the inevitable. He's gonna crawl, and walk, and {shudder} grow up. I can't slow it down. Most of the time, I fight it - until I think long enough to realize how incredibly blessed I am. I get to experience all these milestones. I get to be a "Mama". I am grateful.

Sweet.

So sweet. I cried.

Beauty

Hannah has worn this princess dress for 5 days straight (minus the few hours it takes to wash and dry). As I was tucking her in her bed at nap time today, she said "Mom, I am a princess. I am beautiful". She said it without a doubt, without a care. Just stating a fact. It made my heart melt a little, and gave me a few seconds to ponder. The things we learn from our kids. And the things they help us remember.

We are beautiful. It's not just when we are 2 yr olds and like to play dress-up. We are of divine nature. Forever.

Luke Portraits - 5 months

Luke-A-Like Contest (June 2010)

Needed:

1. Two marshmallows

2. Two cute kids

Step 1.) Stuff 1 marshmallow in each cheek

Step 2.) Pose with a very healthy 4 month old baby.

A conversation with a friend...

I have been in a pondering mood as of late. Trying to do some soul searching, and trying to get some answers. I like it. I need to learn...more about myself, and more about why I believe what I believe. Although, sometimes my desire to understand out-weighs my desire to sleep. I can't shut my brain off. Hence why I am sitting here at 12:55am. Yawn.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day. Well not a true conversation, just the facebook kind. And I am not too sure I would call it a conversation...maybe it was more like a discussion (or at least that is the way it started).

A little background. This friend and I have been friends since my Germany days. Her husband was stationed at Ramstein at the same time as Trace. She has the most infectious smile - the light up the room kind. And she likes to laugh, and we liked to laugh together. She listened about my struggles with the whole military thing, assured me when I was afraid that I couldn't have anymore kids. We scrapbooked. We even worked out together when we were attempting to be good and healthy. A great friend. We kept in touch for the first few moves after Germany - but then lost track (which happens all too often with the military life).

So fast forward to the time when I joined facebook. I found this friend again. It was nice to catch up - and learn how our lives and kids have grown and changed. Truth be told, I was shocked a little at first, when I learned that she no longer believed the same things that I do. I thought about it, and although I couldn't understand why she changed, I understood that it really didn't matter - not to our friendship anyway.

A couple of summers ago, Trace and I got to getaway for a weekend. It was for a marriage-strengthening seminar, sponsored by the military. I would not have given any thought of going, except for it was all-expense paid, including reimbursement for childcare. A weekend without kids, for free? So what if we had to go to a few classes? No big deal.

So we went. I am glad we did. We learned a lot about each other, and more importantly about ourselves. Part of the seminar dealt with personality types. I took a test - and found out that I am "green". This means I am an analyzer. A thinker. The test used words like tolerant, humble, respectful, unyielding, judgmental, deeply-committed and trustworthy. It also said there is a strong need for harmony. A major strength is that I am respectful and accepting of others. However, I have a tendency to be judgmental. I am a big picture thinker - I tend to have trouble solving a problem until I know how the problem relates to that big picture. Because of that, I can make things more complicated than they need to be. "Greens" can become discouraged when they think the world or people around them are out of tune with the right values. Greens don't care as much as about being right as they care that things are right with the world. But, if I focus too much on what is fair or right for the world, I can become less sensitive to the needs of an individual.

I have to say, I was amazed at the accuracy of the test. It really does apply to me. It was nice to see my strengths and hard to see my weaknesses - and what I need to be careful of. I try to be respectful and I try not to be judgmental. It's hard for me to understand why others can't see the big picture. And since that summer, I have really been trying to make an effort to be respectful and accepting, even when all is not right with the world.

Here enters the discussion with my friend. She had posted a link on her wall to an article about the Mormon church, and how it is trying to revamp it's image. It was asking "do good individuals equal a good church?" I read it. The article discussed several issues, including the church's stance on homosexuality, and how image control is just an effort to cover up the church's blunders. It made valid points, but also assumed much. My friend messaged on her wall with the link "This really brings up some valid points and in no way is meant to be offensive to the members of the Mormon church. But truth is truth!"

I looked at her comments, and someone had replied: "Interesting article, and I agree! You can appreciate and love someone for their character and qualities but disagree with their church's doctrines." I agree with that comment. I then commented: "I wish more people took that approach of appreciating someone for their character, and not judging them by their personal doctrine. However, I wonder why it is considered 'hatred' when that same approach is used with regard to sexual orientation."

My friend and I went back and forth, both making good points. It was done in a way that allowed us both to put our opinions out there, without feeling attacked. I have to say, I really enjoyed it. And even though I didn't agree with her, it gave me some really good insight. Good food for thought. Then other people voiced their thoughts and opinions, in a more aggressive manner - and it started to turn into something ugly. So much for a good discussion. Now the old me - I would have been right there defending my beliefs and righting the wrongs. But as hard as it was, I backed away. The discussion continued without me, although most of it was about me and my views (and it wasn't pretty).

I sat back, trying to sort my emotions. What was the point? Was I wrong to even get involved in a conversation that had an inevitable ugly ending? Was I foolish to put my beliefs out there, thinking that they would be respected? Was I naive to believe someone could agree to disagree without mud-slinging? The answer? Yes. And no.

There's that saying, "You've got to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything". It's actually a song. I think. At the beginning of me and my friend's conversation, I set out to understand why some individuals can't see the hypocrisy of the acceptance of character, but apply it only to certain characters or individuals. But as it progressed, I found myself putting into words, what I truly believed. My thoughts came out quickly and flowed freely. I was able to clearly think and I gained a better understanding of why I feel the way I feel. I was gaining a stronger testimony. But I was only able to do that, by getting involved - by putting myself out there.

After I put my heart on the facebook line - I felt safe, for awhile, as my friend and I exchanged thoughts. Then I felt it get trampled, by my friend's friends. It was foolish to think that what I said mattered to everyone. Or was it? No, it certainly mattered - just not in the way I intended. You can't please everyone - which is tough for a girl who needs harmony.

But what did I really learn? I learned to trust in the big picture. For me, that big picture is the Plan of Salvation. The idea of family, of being forever, of being eternal and knowing where we come from and who created us. The Atonement. Yes, we answer to the laws of this land. We vote for them, we fight for them. We have our own title of liberty. We fight for our faith, our freedom, and family. But at the end of the day, and at the end of this life, there are higher laws as to which we must abide. I will be held accountable for my choices. Seeing the big picture, I know that I can stand for what I believe in. And even if mud flies my way, I just have to remember that all a little dirt really hurts is my ego - and I'll survive, as long as I am standing on a firm foundation.

2 yr old

There's lots of things that a two yr old does that I'd rather not have to deal with - they don't call it the terrible two's for nothin'. I must admit however, that there are some wonderful things too. One of my favorite's has to be listening to toddlers try to express how they feel (as opposed to being forced to listen to an all-out scream fest followed by a temper tantrum). It gives great insight as to what they are thinking. Hannah is no exception.

This morning, when Tracy got back from picking up our bountiful basket (awesome co-op - I am loving it so far...cheap AND great produce), Hannah was right there waiting. She was so happy to see him, she could hardly contain herself. She ran into his arms and stayed put...a daddy's girl through and through.

Being a Saturday, we had lots to get done and if Tracy wanted to go for a run, he had to leave right then. So he gave her a kiss, set her down, and left. She cried. Normal 2 yr old stuff. She crawled her devastated self onto my lap and I let her cry. When she decided that she could survive without her daddy, I was informed she was ready for food. I asked Aleana to help get Hannah in her seat while I made breakfast. I got to over-hear a very sweet, very simple conversation. And I caught a glimpse inside that pretty little head of hers.

Aleana: Ooooh, poor Hannah. Are you sad?

Hannah: I sad. I cried. I lost daddy. (as she started sobbing again...)

Melted my heart. I could hear the genuine heart-break in her voice. Even made me tear up a little. The power of a toddler can be surprising.

Oh, and she found her dad again before she was even finished with her toast.

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And just because she is so darn cute:

Fashionista

What, I have a shadow?

She loves hats.

Back to a routine

I took a break from blogging for the summer. The word "break" is misleading though. No, I really didn't get a break. The time I usually use for such things were taken up by other things that involves 4 kids and no school. But as school has started back up again, I am slowly getting back together again. I spent the last few days getting the house in order (something I have been trying to do for the last 3 MONTHS without much success - it's amazing how things stay clean when the OLDER 2 kids are in school). So now, I am getting my blog back in order. There are a lot of posts, but I am caught up once again. For now. :)

Luke 6 Months

Stats:

weight: 22 lbs

height: 28"

head: 18 1/2"

I love this not-so-little bear cub. He has an awesome personality which makes it's appearance at just the right time, making all of us smile. He is so easy going and fun to be with - just as long as he gets fed when he's hungry and no one takes his toys. That's my kind of kid. :)

First Day of School 2010

School is here! School is here! School is here! Should I shout that one more time?

Not too sure who was excited more this year, Aleana, Trent or ME. This summer has been long. Of course it was busy enough - which made it impossible to establish a good routine. And I have to say that is what I really miss - a good routine...you know, one with normal lunchtimes, nap-times, chores, dinner, and the ever-very-important bedtimes. Sigh.

Then, the kids go to school. And it seems that I miss them more than any routine. That's motherhood - seems like I would get used to it, but I don't.

Back in Kindergarten, we'd ask Trent to set out his clothes for school. He did it his own way. Now he's in the second grade and is still using the same method. His clothes have to be lined up in order, and he puts them on in that order too. The things this boy comes up with. Of course, Aleana was super excited to go to the 5th grade that she took a page from Trent's "set-out" method and followed suit.

Ahhh - the classic pose in front of the door. They have to stop this, this growing and getting older thing. Not only does it remind me that I too am growing older, but it makes me have a twinge of guilt for wishing the summer would just end. Now.

I changed my mind. Can I have my summer back? At least for another week, or until I recover from my "school" amnesia and remember why I thought this school thing was a great idea?

Circus

Family Circus has it right. Really. This summer has proved that to me time and time again. This Giles clan is all about being a circus. My kids have too much energy. Why, oh why can't they share some with me? Is that too much to ask?!?

Thank goodness we have a backyard.

And a back door that I can close.

And things for them to climb on.

And for the fact that there were no major broken bones, cuts that required stitches, or heads that needed to be MEDICALLY (key word) examined.

And to truly be a circus, every family needs:

A Monkey...

A dog that can do tricks...

Side Show pets...

Human Tricks - aka "Human Bowling" (at least that what slip-n-slide means to Trent)

And of course, one cannot forget about the CLOWNS - at least these particular ones don't scare me (although they may scare the waitress that has to serve our family at a restaurant, or the babysitter - but that's another story...)

I Love my Circus. I love the summer. And I love the fall.

Family Fair

Mindy (Tracy's sister) and Vance with their girls were able to swing by and visit on their way back from Yellowstone. It was really nice to have them come, and we tried our hardest to sell the idea of why moving to Boise would be perfect them (not like we had to work that hard - Boise speaks for itself). While they were here, we went to the fair. It was really nice, and something I think our little family will make a tradition out of and go every year. We spent about 8 hours there looking at all the animals and exhibits, not to mention enjoying the fair food. You'd be surprised what they manage to put on a stick. We didn't even take them to the rides until the very end - and they were allowed to pick only 2 rides (great motivator for good behavior I might add). We probably would have stayed longer, but Hannah developed a fever of 103. Other than that, it was an awesome day (so awesome that we didn't remember to take a lot of pictures).

They loved the baby goats. They even named them. Don't ask what they names were, I can't remember.

Taking a water break: The kids with their cousins, Whitney and Kelsey. Poor Hannah and her flushed fever cheeks.

Thanks Miller family!

Through Aleana's Eyes - Dog Days of Summer

Two Christmas' ago, we got Aleana a camera (nikon cool pix s210). I have to say, it has been a great purchase, especially this summer. Aleana gets bored. Let's face it. Two kids who still nap, another who needs some sort of quiet time, and a nursing baby means that the afternoons in our home are quiet, and well, boring. So when Aleana had her fill on reading, I would encourage her to take her camera outside and try to take some pictures. I have to say, I am impressed. She does a great job. All of these pictures are untouched. No photoshop/editing was done. She has learned to use all the different little functions on the camera. Smart kid. Good photographer.

In this segment, it's all about the dog. Guess that's what happens when Sasha is the only other animal in the backyard. She makes a good subject :)

Aleana's Eyes - Nature

Nature segment. I love seeing things through her eyes. Even the smallest weeds all of the sudden look beautiful. Again, all this "nature" was found in our backyard.