Learning isn't just about school.

Trent most certainly keeps us on our toes.  He has lots of energy and curiosity.  I wish I had a quarter of either one, just so I could keep up with him.  

This school year was fun and a little challenging for him.  He has been going to the GT (gifted and talented) program - and thoroughly enjoys it.  It's a great outlet for him to think and ask questions.  He gets to participate in lots of hands-on projects, which seems to be where he thrives.  He loves his GT teacher.  The challenging part comes mostly because of his regular classroom setting.  He gets bored and he doesn't see the point of busy-work.  It certainly posed challenges for me and his teacher both.  

With that being said, we had a few problems with his teacher, and some of it was heart-breaking for me.  I have always believed in having open communication with teachers, especially with Trent's teachers.  I know he can be challenging.  He asks lots of questions, and can't be won over with lazy answers.  If it wasn't for another parent in class approaching me about some concerns she had (following what her daughter had told her), about how Trent was being treated by his teacher...I would have never known.  I had been in contact with Trent's teacher fairly regularly and had gotten the impression, with the exception of few bumps here and there, that everything was fine.  But, after the conversation with my friend, and a few talks with Trent, I realized it was anything but that.  

Basically what it had boiled down to, is that the teacher had been singling out Trent, and making him stand in the middle of the classroom, during math meeting time.  Math meeting time was a classroom activity done on mats on the floor, in the back of the classroom by the white-board.  It wasn't a one-time incident.  It had been happening everyday...since before Christmas.  I didn't talk to my friend until the end of April.  Christmas to April...everyday, standing in the middle of the classroom, without ever having a chance to earn back the privilege of participating with the rest of the class.  Does anything about this situation sound right?  I get having to deal with consequences if my son misbehaves.  If he can't sit still, I understand.  But he was banished from math meeting time.  The teacher had told him he had to stand there until the school year was over.  He was written off.  And even worse, is that the students would look at him and tell him "You can't sit here.  Teacher said.  You're not not allowed to be with us".  She not only singled him out, but she had created an atmosphere where other students were allowed to say comments to him.  

When I asked Trent about math meeting time, he just broke down into tears.  Not the "I'm in trouble" kind of cry, but the hurt and alone kind of cry.  How could I be so out of the loop?  How could I have not known what was going on?  Why, in the 2 parent-teacher conferences we had, or the 1/2 dozen phone calls between me and the teacher, was I not informed of the situation?  How am I supposed to help him with his behavior if the teacher doesn't tell me when something is wrong?  And the worse part?  Trent believed he wasn't good enough to sit with the other students.  Heart. Breaking.  I felt I had failed my son.  How could I not have seen this?  What questions did I not ask?

After getting the information all together, I sat on it.  I sat on it for almost two weeks.  I wasn't sure how to handle it.  How much of my emotions were valid, and how much were due to "mama-bear syndrome"?  I had really liked Trent's teacher up to this point.  I didn't want to be the mom that comes in, ready to defend my son, if he did something wrong.  I believe in being fair.  I believe that teachers have one of the hardest jobs out there.  I respect what they do. 

 But this is my son.  

He is hurt.  Could this type of discipline have far-reaching effects on his self-esteem?  I just couldn't wrap my head around it all.  And I was ticked.  

After I simmered down, I decided to meet with the teacher.  I figured I should get her side of the story before going all "bat-crazy".  I didn't tell her why I wanted to talk to her, but just that me and my husband had a few questions to ask her about Trent.  When I arrived at the after-school appointment, she was already apologizing about math meeting time.  Apparently, since I didn't tell her what it was about, she decided to ask Trent what was going on.  I hadn't even made it through the door, and she was apologizing.  That felt a little odd to me.  Odd, as in - a kid who just got caught and was apologizing - kind of odd.  We had a very civilized conversation.  I didn't go in there accusing her of anything.  I just asked questions, trying to understand her point of view.  And she explained what was going on.  Trent had a hard time sitting still.  That was it.  He couldn't sit still, so he had to stand, away from the other students, away from math.  But she couldn't answer why it had been happening for almost 6 months, or why he never had a chance to earn his privileges back.  She acted like that was a novel idea or something.  She explained to us, that she had no idea that the other students were saying those things or that Trent felt the way he did.  She also said it had never occurred to her to call me, as she thought it wasn't that big of a deal.  But how could a teacher, with a masters degree, who has been teaching for some 11 years not be aware of what was happening?  I felt lied to.  I felt she was placating to us, to "make things right" and get us off her back.

But, I was willing to let things lie.  She had heard our concerns and agreed to change her approach with Trent, to allow him "back in the fold" so to speak.  I wasn't satisfied with her justification, but whatever.  The school year was almost over, and he would be getting a new teacher.  I didn't want to be the mom that all the teachers talk about and groan over.  

And I was just fine with it, until a few days later.  All the students were having a rough day as far as behavior goes.  And the teacher was reaching her breaking point.  It was then when she announced "I am already having parents that have issues on how I discipline...you will all stand in the middle of the classroom and miss math meeting if you don't stop" (not exact wording...but something like that).  We were the only parents who had a problem with her.  It was her way of letting Trent know who was in charge.  The kicker was, Trent wasn't one of the kids acting up.

That comment wasn't professional.  It wasn't appropriate.  I get that she's human, and tired and overwhelmed.  But the fact of the matter is, she's an adult.  She was put there to teach.  This wasn't some small random blurt.  It was intentional, just as a little kid is when she throws a temper-tantrum.

So, I went to the principal.  She was shocked.  She had no idea and promised to get to the bottom of it.  She was actually in tears when she had realized what impact it was having on Trent.  (I am still skeptical as to how real those tears were...my first instinct is to say yes, they were real...but this whole situation has left me a little skewed about teachers/school).  She called in Trent and apologized on behalf of the school.  

I am not sure what, if anything at all happened, with the teacher.  I didn't want to seem like the bitter parent who is out for blood.  I do plan, however, to contact the principal after this new school year has started, and follow up on the situation.  That way, I won't have to worry about the teacher taking it out on Trent, which is sad I think, that I have to think that way about a teacher. 

The lessons learned?:

1. Not all teachers are created equal (I already knew that, but this was a whole new level of knowledge gained on my behalf).

2. Ask Trent more questions.  He not a kid who talks about emotions.  He keeps it all inside and is hard to read.  But he's sensitive.  And smart.  I need to ask the hard questions, because he has a hard time expressing himself with words.

3. It is okay to speak out against a teacher.  It is my right as a parent and a mother.  And I will do it again, this time, without hesitation if I have to.  And I will follow the same pattern again.  Go to the teacher first, and if needed move higher up.

4. Not all teachers are like this.  I have to keep reminding myself of that now.  It's been 3 months and I am still angry... It is amazing how one bad experience has left me jaded and guarded about who I trust in the education system. 

Throughout this whole experience, I have to say I am proud of Trent.  He can test my patience to no end, but he can hold my heart in a split-second's notice.  He has so much going for him.  He amazes me with his knowledge of the world, and his never-ending drive to know more.  He might not be able to sit still, and he might not like busy work...but I have a feeling that whatever he does in this life, he will be too busy to sit still and have more important things to do for this world.  No busy work required.  

I am so proud of him, and the strength he has.  Keep up the good work kid!