Crazy Lady is here to stay

So I decided to try this whole coupon craze thing. You know, the one where you actually save money - not just 30 cents here and there. I have been following a few blogs for about a month now and watching some youtube trying to figure out what works best as far as coupon clipping, sorting, filing, and then which order to use them.

I learned:

1. Order 4 copies of the Sunday paper. I called the paper and asked what it cost to just get 1 copy of the Sunday paper, and they told me $2.12 (including tax) - which is exactly what it said on their website. So I asked if they gave military discounts. Nope. Then I explained that I will need more than one copy because I wanted more coupon inserts. She then told me about an offer called "Coupon Sense" (which isn't listed anywhere on their website). I have to order at least 4 Sunday papers (which is what I wanted anyway) and it would only cost me $0.43 for each copy...or $2.12 total for the 4 of them. Now how does that make sense? Whatever. 4 copies for the price of 1 - no complaining here.

2. The items that go on sale usually follow a 6-8 week pattern. Stock up on sale items enough to make it until the next cycle.

3. Being organized is worth it. Made things a lot smoother today while I shopped. Well that, and Trace was home to watch the kids today.

4. Walgreens isn't that bad. The store coupons, combined with the manufacturer coupons makes it a sweet deal. This is where the 4 copies of the same coupons come in handy - Say there is a buy one get one free offer with register rewards. Right off the bat, you save 50%. Then you can use 2 manufacturer coupons (one for each item). More savings. When the purchase is complete - you get rapid rewards (works like cash for Walgreens) to use on your next purchase. You then roll over that rapid rewards coupon into your next purchase and save even more (if you use the rapid rewards for another one of the same bogofree - you might not get another rapid rewards coupon at the end of purchase - so you need to alternate your purchases with another sweet deal from a different manufacturer).

4b. Walgreens manager can be a bit snippy when he is called to do a price adjustment. When that happens, just smile - especially if he gets called to the register more than once. :)

5. Walmart price matches and honors other store coupons. Nice. There were a few things I wanted to get at Walgreens today, but they were sold out - so I got a rain check (another good deal for later). Then I went to Walmart, with my Walgreens flyer, and they not only honored the price, but also manufacturer coupons PLUS my left over rapid rewards from Walgreens. Sweet. Honestly, I'd rather go to Walgreens because it's a shorter trip, the store is smaller, the line wait is less, and the overall time spent is less - but Walmart worked just fine.

6. Stores in Boise do not have double coupons. Bummer.

7. I love the feeling that I get when I know I got a good deal. But then, I feel guilty knowing how much money I have wasted in the past. Sigh. It's a learning process - but saving the amount of money I did today - and being able to get things that I really like - makes it worth it in my coupon book. :)

So how did I fare at my first attempt at being a crazy coupon lady?

Items purchased:

4 Purex Laundry Detergents (my favorite btw) - 32 load size each

4 Purex 3in1 (Laundry Detergent, softener, and anti-static all in one) - 38 load size each

24 cans of tuna, 5oz (can you say food storage?)

1 Aussie Shampoo with pump (awesome for portion control with the kids) - 33oz

1 Aussie Conditioner with pump - 33oz

1 Box of Kleenex, 110ct

1 margarine, 15oz

1 Dawn dish soap, 10oz

2 boxes of Tampons, 40ct each

5 boxes of Jello

10 packages of seeds (for our garden)

3 Oil of Olay luxury body washes, 12oz each (they smell soooo good!)

1 Oil of Olay moisturizer

1 Secret deodorant

2 Walgreen Candy, 16oz each (cheap treat for school lunches)

1 Colgate toothpaste, 6oz

2 composition notebooks (school supplies)

2 reams of printer paper

2 packages of sharpe black permanent markers, 5 ct each

2 full-size good quality scissors

2 pkgs of binder clips, 40ct each

2 10" envelopes, 25ct each

2 Goody Ouchless hair bands, 27ct each

2 pkgs Pentel pens, 5ct each

4 cadbury creme eggs (I would say for Easter - but I doubt they'll last that long with 4 kids)

2 Hershey's drops candy, 8oz each (bribery for the kids)

1 King size Hershey's bar (makes a great addition to a bday card for visiting teaching)

1 King size Reese's Mini's

Total without coupons: $212.43

Amount I paid: $82.43

So much did I save this time? A whopping $130.04!

Not too shabby. I like this saving money thing. :)

Pristine and Perfect

Miracles.

It appears that Luke doesn't have hydrocephalus. Say what?!? Yep, we got the MRI results and could not be happier. The ventricles in his brain are still enlarged, but have shrunk since his last MRI. Did you hear that? SHRUNK!!! Why not the diagnosis of hydrocephalus, if there is still more fluid than normal? As the Dr put it, "Luke's brain is pristine" - meaning no malformations, tumors, blockages, webbing or any other concerning factors were found. The dangerous kind of hydrocephalus is pathological - which means there they have found reason why the brain is accumulating too much fluid, and the extra fluid is causing adverse effects. Luke's brain is perfect. His ventricles are large - but for no reason - that's just the way he is. It's unusual, but okay considering everything else looked great. So now his condition is classified as "benign ventriculomegaly" if there has to be a term put to it. Well that and he has a really, really big head. Dr said he is about 99.9% sure that nothing will come of this and Luke will be normal. (Although, it may take him about 5 years to grow into his noggin). We shook hands with Dr. Cherny, thanked him and said we hope we never have to see him again. He smiled.

We left the Dr's office with grins a mile wide. Trace and I loaded up Hannah and Luke in the car - still amazed at what just happened. I cried as we said a little prayer.

How is it that his ventricles could go down is size? Dr. Cherny didn't have an answer. Luke's case was unique - and they just don't know.

But I know. My family knows. My friends know. It is humbling for me to know that the faith and love of others helped bring this about. Prayer is a powerful thing. Miracles never cease.

We are grateful.

Results

Been in a thoughtful mood today.

Luke had his contrast MRI yesterday (the general anesthesia went much better than I anticipated). I hadn't heard from the Dr. yet, so I called this morning and spoke to the nurse. She told me that we needed to come in this Thursday (in two days) to see Dr. Cherny - which means she wouldn't give me the results over the phone. Sigh. I tend to over-think things, but here is my take on all of this is:

If there was was a critical problem, they would have called me right away, and discussed it over the phone - or at least made me come in today. If there was nothing wrong, then the nurse would have told me when I called - and would not make it necessary to see the neurosurgeon so soon (we weren't scheduled to see Dr. Cherny until the end of the month after all the development assessment stuff was done, which still isn't done yet). So what could this mean? Well, it means it's the in-between stuff. Something isn't right and the Dr. needs to sit us down and talk to us. Now I keep going over all the "possibilities" in my head. I keep telling my brain to shut-up, but it's so busy worrying, that is won't listen to my inner-yelling. I am having a hard time getting anything done. I hate when things paralyze me like this.

Trying to get my mind off things - I decided to exercise. I always feel better when I do - and the additional oxygen to my head might help me focus on something else. Anyway, I was getting changed and decided to weigh myself. The results? I have officially lost 50 lbs. FIFTY POUNDS! (Imagine 50 tubs of butter). That is a huge milestone for me. It's been 2 months and 7 days since my surgery.

I now have conflicting emotions. Half of me is thrilled, while the other half feels helpless. The part of my soul - full of motherly love - is heavy, but a part of my heart is lightened (both figurative and literally). How is it that I can feel both? I suppose this is how it's meant to be. Feeling the warmth and light is what keeps us sane. And is what keeps us from gloom and darkness.

Then a friend of mine posted a quote that touched my heavy, er light, sometimes heavy heart:

" A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely." ~ Roald Dahl

I think the same sunbeams work to lighten the inner-face of our souls.

What, a Whole Year?!? {sniff, sniff}

My head is spinning. It just can't be. My baby IS NOT a year. Okay, I know, I KNOW - I can't deny it any longer. What a sweet boy he is. Such a calm and patient kid. Not too sure where he gets that from. :) He has this look - it's kind of hard to describe - but when he does it - I have to remind myself 1. don't cry 2. he's just a baby 3. I am blessed. It's a look that seems to go to my very soul. And it's not just me - it gets Trace every time too. Alas another super power. Dimples and "the look". We're in trouble.

His party was low key. It's not like he'll remember it, but the other kids will - and they had fun helping. And so did Trace. He likes to surprise the kids and decorates the house while they are sleeping. Since Hannah and Luke have bdays so close, he decided to do it this way:

And what is a 1st birthday post without the all important cake play-by-play?...

1.) Ooooo - it's cake.

2.) Ummm - it's a cake on fire? Gettin' a little worried guys...

3.) I really want to...Should I? Yes. No. Okay, I'm going to...maybe...

4.) There, I touched it. Am I in trouble?

5.) Oh ya - this is sooooooo cool!!!

And sticky....

5.) Can I? Can I, Mom? Please, please.

6.) Humm, numm, mmmm - Now that's what I'm talkin' about.

7.) Here it comes...Sugar High! :)

8.) Okay, I'm done. Think I'll just set the rest over...there.

9.) Caught feeding Quigley...busted

10.) Mom! Bath! Now! Please! Look, I'll even smile for you :)

3 years and full of sunshine

Hannah celebrated her 3rd birthday. What a fun age. She is so animated and full of spunk. We can't help but smile when she's around. What a great kid. Thanks Hannah!

We decided to have a little Tinkerbell theme. I made banana chocolate chip bundt cake. It was a hit! I put little Tinkerbell figurines on the cake - I found them on clearance at the disneystore.com. Also got her Tinkerbell doll there. They normally are too pricey for me, but they have some great sales.

She's sooo excited. She's wearing the outfit that Buggy and Papa sent her. Cute as a button. I tried to convince her to let me do her hair - but she's a little headstrong. She hates ponytails 90% of the time. At least her hair was out of her eyes.

A Lalaloopsy doll from Grandma and Grandpa Giles - she didn't like Crumbs Sugar Cookie (doll's name) so she just calls her Rachel. Such a random name - but it seemed to stick. Rachel it is.

Tinkerbell. And that see that smile? It makes me wanna smile. Are you smiling yet?

Botanical Gardens and Proof there is a Santa

Last Christmas we went to the Botanical Gardens and loved it so much - that we decided to make it a family tradition. So this Christmas, we went again. Of course, true to our fashion - we got a late start getting out the door. I was worried we wouldn't make it before they close. But we did, by 15 minutes. They say they close at 8pm - but really that's just when they stop letting people in. The lights go out at 9pm. I think we will show up right before 8pm from now on. Less crowds, way better parking, and the line to Santa is manageable (and by manageable-instead of the line wrapping around the building, we had to wait for the person in front of us to finish up with their pictures). We had a nice relaxing time, except for Aleana. She thought we were walking too slow and taking too many pictures. Why is it, as the kids grow older - that the whining just grows louder? :)

Meeting Prancer...again.

It was a bit chilly, as Luke's nose can tell you - but I love his smirk. It's just like his daddy's.

Classic. And yes, I am getting this framed. It makes me smile with the knowledge that we are indeed normal. :)

And on to Christmas, and a great Christmas it was....

Santa brought Aleana an interactive globe. What gets me is how excited she is about it. If Santa gave me a globe when I was 10 yrs old - smiling would not be the first thing that came to mind :)

Stinky the Garbage Truck and a magic kit. Both well worth the investment!

Ariel - Hannah loves the long red hair. She already lost the shoes, only for Luke to find them. Why do they even bother putting them on these dolls?!?

Hannah in disbelief - she has MORE presents?

His favorite toy courtesy of Buggy and Papa

Gift from Grandma Buggy and Papa - ladybug kit and butterfly kit.

Slingshot Monkeys - from Grandma and Grandpa Giles. Did I mention that they screech upon impact? The dogs hate them.

Mind Maze - from the cousin gift exchange - Thanks Trevin!

Puzzle Erasers - from Buggy and Papa

I LOVE Melissa and Doug play sets, toys, books, and puzzles. This three little pig set is awesome! Thanks Buggy and Papa

If she could find a way to sleep in this fairy dress-up outfit - she would - from Grandma and Grandpa Giles

Sisterly love - even after the sugar high via Christmas stockings :)

Walkie-talkie watch set - gotta love the spy stuff.

Luke's Surfin' Spin. The kids quickly figured out that it will spin many other toys. Glad Luke gets to enjoy it now - because they were kind of hogging it. Sheesh. You'd think they didn't get anything.

A Kindle. Need I say more?

Payin' it forward...

So I got this super cute set of magnets from Kristal. It was one of those fb status updates that said "the first 5 people who reply to this will get something cute, crafty and homemade from me. But once you sign up you have to pay it forward..." (not those exact words...but you get the drift)

Ladies, the time has come - I am paying it forward. First 5 who leave a comment here gets something somewhat cute in the next month or so. Message me (fb or email) your mailing address too. :)

Man O' Man

So this is my hubby (on the left), hard at work. And at work he goes by Trace, not Tracy.

Here's an example as to why he is kind of partial to Trace:

The St Lukes Rehab place called me to set up some appointments for our sweet Luke. He has to see an occupational therapist, a physical therapist, a speech therapist, and a peds neuropsychiatrist (didn't even know one of those existed) - all to gage where he is at developmentally speaking (a contrast MRI will follow to check ventricle size in a couple of weeks). So the lady on the phone, Patty, was listing off dates that we can get these different appointments scheduled. I grab my calendar and start writing times down. As I finish, she starts verifying insurance info with me, and I confirm that Tracy is the card holder, give her the social security number and assure her it's our only insurance. Didn't put much thought into it. Honestly, I was just excited to get the ball rolling, so we can get some more answers for Luke.

Anyway, I hang up and start looking at the calendar, making sure there are no conflicts - when the phone rings. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hello?

Patty: Sheri?

Me: Yes...

Patty: This is Patty. Um...Okay. (Her uneasiness was growing). I don't know how to...Um...Okay...I am not sure how to say this, but I need to ask so I can input it in the system correctly. Is Tracy the FATHER of Luke or his other...M-M-MOTHER? (She's almost whispering at this point).

Me: (Laughing hysterically, trying to concentrate enough to get the answer out). HHEEEE'S the F-A-THER. Bwuahahahahaha.

Patty: I am so sorry. But I couldn't tell - I always thought "Tracy" was a girl's name - and well, you never know...

Me: (Tears are rolling down my face now...) Ya, I used to think so too.

Patty: Ohhh yaaaa, there's that singer that is named Tracy, and that's a guy. I am soooo sorry.

Me: Don't worry about it. It happens more often than you think.

And the conversation ends.

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Lesson 1. Pay more attention when giving out insurance information, ensuring that they know the correct gender BEFORE hanging up the phone.

Lesson 2. Try not to laugh too hard in order to limit the embarrassment of the medical receptionist.

---------------------------------------------

Hahahahaha - okay, who am I kidding? That was hilarious, and I am laughing with tears as I type this.

Poor Trace. Poor poor Tracy. Good thing he's my hot manly MAN:)

1 Month

It's actually been 1 1/2 months since my surgery. So far so good. No pictures - not brave enough to post those yet. Maybe when I hit my six month mark, I will post them. Maybe.

My thoughts so far...

1. The surgery wasn't near as painful as I thought it would be. Me and pain pills don't get along, so I thought it might be rough going. BUT - they found something that worked. Really, really good. Dilaudid (hydromorphone). Go figure - I'm allergic to codeine and vicodin, but bring out the morhpine, 'cause there's no problem here :) Except for the weird, very vivid dreams I had - the kind that feel so real it's a little scary. Especially when I am dreaming that I am a special ops officer in Afghanistan doing hand to hand combat (go ahead laugh). Not a good dream to have by the way. I learned very quickly to not skip the phenergan dose. It's supposed to help with nausea - but it also knocked me out enough that I don't remember my dreams. Now if I could only erase the special ops one, life would be better. Seriously, remembering how real it felt when a guy's neck broke in my hands, or warm blood - Creeped. Me. Out.

2. Anesthesia - now that's a different story. The few times I have had it before, there's never been a positive experience. When the Anesthesiologist came and ask questions right before my surgery, he asked what my reactions have been. I told him it made me really sick. So he loaded me up with some versed (happy juice that made me not care), fentanyl (to help counteract the pain I was about to incur), and zofran (to help with nausea). After the surgery, when I finally came out of it, I quickly realized that the zofran did jack. I warned the nurses that I was gonna hurl. And you know what they did? They shoved an aspirator tube thingy in my mouth. Ya, like that was going to catch anything. I hurled. Blood. Everywhere. I remember thinking not ever wanting to do that again - throwing up just after you had your stomach stapled is not a good feeling. Quite painful actually. If they tried to move me, I felt like throwing up again - so it took me a few more hours in recovery than what was considered "normal". So the kicker? The next day, as I was able to sort of get up and move around, I looked on the side of the bed where I had turned my head to hurl and made a discovery. Let's just say they didn't clean up very well. I blame it on the fact that it was a man nurse. Unfair? Maybe - but in my experience, men don't notice those details as much as women do. It is the same man nurse, his name is Mike by the way, that didn't believe me that my vein blew. I paged him THREE times, and he always sent his CNA with a warm blanket to wrap around the IV site. At change of shift, I showed the new nurse, Whitney, and she changed my IV. I wound up with a blood-clot (nothing bad, just super painful) thanks to that man nurse. Grrr.

3. Recovery - The Dr said plan on 4-6 weeks for recovery. After 2 weeks, I could start lifting things. So, I thought, I'm young - I should be able back no normal in no time flat. I've had 4 babies. Well I was wrong. The Dr knew what he was talking about (who knew?). Recovery was slow, and it took me about 3 weeks to be able to pick things up. I guess I had a bleed where one of the tools were, and I required lots of stitches that tugged and pulled inside. So the right side of my belly was really painful. I think at about a month, I started feeling much better. Good enough to start working out 6 days a week. And now (6weeks out), I have to say - I feel better than I did even before the surgery. I have energy (still need a little nap though) and I feel great when I am up and moving about.

4. Food. It hasn't been that bad, even through the holidays where people bring goody plates and have feasts. It wasn't that hard not to be able to eat what everyone else was. But now? I am missing bread. Bagels actually - the cinnamon raisin kind from Costco that my kids eat for breakfast. And popcorn - which I wasn't ever crazy about before, but I guess since I can't have it, my mind wants me to believe how great of a thing I am missing. I can't have grains, bread/carbs until I have lost 75% of my goal and popcorn...who knows. I went to the nutritionist at my 1 month check-up and she said I wasn't getting enough protein. So I have three small meals (protein with a few bites of fruit or veggies) and then a protein shake at night. I think I have perfected the protein shake. Protein powder either comes in chocolate or vanilla. So, I chose vanilla. It has such a strong taste and is a little too sweet for my liking. I tried mixing it with milk, greek yogurt (for more protein) and strawberries - but there was still the weird vanilla taste. I was complaining about to my brother Aaron and he recommended to try banana with it. It helps mask the vanilla protein flavor and helps with the texture. My brother is brilliant. I added about 1/4 of a banana to the mix and threw in 2 ice cubes and I have found something that tastes great - a real smoothie - that I can drink and get 15 - 20 grams of protein as well.

5. Weight? I lost 14 lbs in the first week. In the first month, I lost a total of 32 lbs. I am starting to see a difference. The other day, I fit into a shirt that I haven't worn in almost 4 years. And when I say "fit", I mean really fit - no tightness or pulling. You know what? It felt awesome. I am making progress. My weight-loss has slowed down quite a bit in the last 2 weeks. I am losing, but not as fast as I would like. I also have been working out. I have managed 6 times a week for the last two weeks. I haven't done that in a very long time. I am hoping the weight will start dropping a little faster now that my muscles are getting used to this new thing called exercise.

Overall - I feel great. I have a desire to exercise and eat right as well as read and do my hobbies. I feel a little bit more alive and in control. I like it.

Old Photograph

(Greg, Toynette, Vicki, Eva Lou with Lyneva on her lap)

I love old photographs - it links us to our past.

And to our future. Aleana sure reminds me of my mom.

Twenty - Eleven

Well this past year has come and gone. And I think we packed about as much as one can in a year.

We tuned in to watch the ball drop in NY, and as it fell - the kids cheered, the hubby swung Hannah around, and I cried. Yep, cried - real tears and everything. The cheering turned into silence, the kids exchanged looks of confusions with each other and their Dad.

Why is mom crying this time?

Now to be honest, I was just as surprised as they were. It seemed to come way out of left field. I was completely unprepared. At first, I think they were tears of relief. 2010 is FINALLY over. We have been tried and stretched much further than I ever imagined. And then as that feeling of relief passed, I was overcome by a strong sense of gratitude. For as many crazy things that have happened - we have received far greater in blessings.

I purposely didn't set any resolutions for 2010. I think it may have been because I was too pregnant. I knew the year would be about survival, having a sweet baby boy join our family. But it has been far more than surviving - having learned more of life's lessons than I can count.

So for 2011 - I think it's time for some new goals. Fresh year, fresh start. I have heard many different approaches to setting these resolutions. Pick a word or words to become. Try to set a goal for each perspective of your life. Don't set any resolutions that can't be achieved. Write them down.

And I figure I can do a little bit of everything, since really, it all kind of ties together. Here it goes:

Words of the year:

1. Quiet - I just want a quiet year. I am sure it will be busy and hectic and things will come that are out of my control. But in what I CAN control - I want a quiet, simple life.

2. Balance - This goes right along with quiet. I need to find a better balance. A balance between work and play. A balance between my husband and kids. And a balance between all that is required of me as a mom, and what I need just for me. And a balance between me and my relationship with my Savior.

Perspectives of Life:

1. Physical - I kind of got an early start on that in December (so far so good). I want to exercise at least 5 times a week to help keep and build muscle mass as my body shrinks (I love that word).

2. Mental - I want to study one subject a month. It could be a person, an era in history, a culture. But something different each month. When I actually get the time to sit down and read - I find myself craving more. Maybe this is a way to be more effective about it. I was also thinking that I could maybe blog about it. We'll see how it goes.

3. Spiritual - Daily scripture study. I used to be really good at this, and then I had kids. Things change and there is a season for everything. But my soul needs this. It aches, and I know it is because I need to be closer to my Savior.

4. Emotional - Keep a journal. Write my thoughts down. I used to keep a daily journal. I wrote in it everyday from the time I was 12 to after I turned 19 (hmmm - right around the time I started dating Tracy. He was too much of a distraction).

Now that I have set goals, the question keeps coming to my mind of how I am going to achieve them. Yes, having a plan will help. I have actually put a lot of thought into this. I have tried to come up with a hundred different options, just to avoid the ONE option that I know will work. Alas, nothing really compares the the best option, even if it means GREAT sacrifice on my part. And the best option is? Waking up 1 to 1 1/2 hours earlier than the kids. Eeek. Did I mention that I am not a morning person? Sigh. I think this will be the hardest part. I know that if I get up earlier that will allow me to actually work on the goals I have set. It will give me time to have scripture study - to ponder and reflect. It allow me to have some quiet in my life. It will give me personal time to work on me. It will allow me to exercise and shower without interruption. I could even journal about the day before when I am actually rested - so I won't have to rush through it.

See, it all kind of ties together.

Now I know I won't be able to do all of it everyday, but I gotta start somewhere. And hopefully next New Year's Eve, when I cry it will not only be because of gratitude, but also from a sense of accomplishment.

I am the elephant in the room.

So, it's no big news that I have a weight problem. It's a struggle I have been dealing with since I had my first kid. People warned me that once you start having kids - your body treats you different.

I hate that they were right.

And I regret that I didn't listen.

Diet after diet - it just kind of gets depressing. All you read about is how if you just exercise and diet enough, you will lose the weight (thanks Biggest Loser). To a degree that is true. Now dropping 20lbs in a diet/exercise mode is easy. I have done it so many times - it's kind of sad. But it's after the 20lbs that gets me frustrated. The diet seems to stop working. Again. And again. Some call it a plateau - but I don't. For a person my size, losing 20lbs is not a plateau - it's just a drop in the bucket. It appears that my body doesn't like change. Big surprise there - neither does my mind or heart. I guess that's the problem.

I have always been pretty sure about where I come from and where I want to go. I have a loving husband. Awesome kids. My parents and siblings all love me and have been very supportive of me. But it's what they don't say to me...because it's too painful and I don't want to hear. And they don't lecture me because they love me. They know that if they say too much, I will probably collapse - along with the fine house of cards that I have been carefully building for appearance sake. It isn't a ready topic for discussions at family get-togethers or reunions. But I am very aware it's there. I feel it when I hug somebody. I see it in a friend's eyes who hasn't seen me since my pre-baby days. I see the worry on my parents face, as they know what kind of life (or the lack thereof) lies ahead for me. And what about my poor supportive husband, who just wants me to be healthy? He gets the pleasure of walking a really fine line between being my support coach and being a little too supportive, which I then turn into criticism. But just because no one talks about it, doesn't mean it isn't there. The fact remains the same.

I am the elephant in the room.

Everyone has faults, black skeletons hidden deep away in a dark closet of choices. Not everyone wears those faults for world to see. But mine? Mine is right out there, screaming to anyone who looks. I AM FAT! (Which unfortunately translates to most as I AM FAT BECAUSE I CAN'T STOP EATING AND I AM LAZY). Now honestly, strangers, or those who have never had to understand what it is truly like to be overweight (I am not just talking about the being-pregnant-kind of overweight here) - what they think and how they judge people like me really doesn't bother me too deeply. In their defense, they just don't know. They don't know me. And they don't know all my struggles.

But my friends and family? Now that's a different story. It's completely opposite actually. I very much care about what my loved ones think and how they feel about me. What's interesting is I find myself trying to justify my current weight and my efforts to change it every chance I get. Whether it's me telling them about this diet I have started, an awesome exercise routine I found, or my on-going battle with PCOS - I always try to make it sound like I am trying fix my problem. Why? Guilty conscience. I know what I have done. I know I have let them down. I have let my kids down. I have let myself down. And I am failing at trying to fix it.

Feeling like a failure, and being reminded so with every look in the mirror, doesn't do good for one's well-being. It wears on a person. Literally. At what point did I wake up and realize that the person staring back at me in the mirror wasn't me? Sure, I recognized the chubby checks, brown hair, and the not so funny laugh-lines. But the eyes? Something was different about the eyes. Ah, yes. They were different. Dull. Transparent. Hopeless. Full of disappointment and embarrassment. Where did the spark go? Where was my spunk? My feisty-ness had done got up and left. And found myself emotionally hiding behind a wall of white, fluffy fat. How is it that a body can get bigger and a heart get smaller at the same time?

I have no answers, and probably won't for sometime. What I do know, is that it's time. It's a battle to feel good about one's self when in constant defeat. These battles are obviously taking their toll. Enough is enough. I miss me. And I miss my life. So, I enlisted in the battle of all battles. It's gonna be epic. And I am ready for epic.

On December 1st, I had gastric bypass surgery. It was a decision 5 years in the making. Yes, 5 years from the time I got the information from the insurance until the time I took the plunge. It took me that long to realize that I am okay. I am okay to ask for help. And I am not alone. It was a nerve-racking decision to make. But I did it. And I feel great. Let me be clear - I know gastric bypass is not a cure. It is just a tool. I know that there will be a lot of healing taking place over the next 1 1/2 years. Oh how my soul aches for some healing.

Of course, there has been some nay-sayers about the surgery. (It would be very immature of me to stick my tongue out and say pstubshhsshhst to them, wouldn't it?) There will always those - and quite frankly, I am used to being judged. They don't know me. They don't know my heart. And I don't feel like I have to justify my reasons. (again with the pstubshshshstst) It is what it is. I am fat and I am doing something about it. I have full support of my family. And with their love, and my fight - I feel up to the challenge.

The best thing so far? I am starting to remember who I am. There's some spunk in my eyes. Just a little bit anyway. I am two weeks post-surgery. I am sore. I am tired. I feel great and a little scared.

There's hope after all.