What, a Whole Year?!? {sniff, sniff}

My head is spinning. It just can't be. My baby IS NOT a year. Okay, I know, I KNOW - I can't deny it any longer. What a sweet boy he is. Such a calm and patient kid. Not too sure where he gets that from. :) He has this look - it's kind of hard to describe - but when he does it - I have to remind myself 1. don't cry 2. he's just a baby 3. I am blessed. It's a look that seems to go to my very soul. And it's not just me - it gets Trace every time too. Alas another super power. Dimples and "the look". We're in trouble.

His party was low key. It's not like he'll remember it, but the other kids will - and they had fun helping. And so did Trace. He likes to surprise the kids and decorates the house while they are sleeping. Since Hannah and Luke have bdays so close, he decided to do it this way:

And what is a 1st birthday post without the all important cake play-by-play?...

1.) Ooooo - it's cake.

2.) Ummm - it's a cake on fire? Gettin' a little worried guys...

3.) I really want to...Should I? Yes. No. Okay, I'm going to...maybe...

4.) There, I touched it. Am I in trouble?

5.) Oh ya - this is sooooooo cool!!!

And sticky....

5.) Can I? Can I, Mom? Please, please.

6.) Humm, numm, mmmm - Now that's what I'm talkin' about.

7.) Here it comes...Sugar High! :)

8.) Okay, I'm done. Think I'll just set the rest over...there.

9.) Caught feeding Quigley...busted

10.) Mom! Bath! Now! Please! Look, I'll even smile for you :)

3 years and full of sunshine

Hannah celebrated her 3rd birthday. What a fun age. She is so animated and full of spunk. We can't help but smile when she's around. What a great kid. Thanks Hannah!

We decided to have a little Tinkerbell theme. I made banana chocolate chip bundt cake. It was a hit! I put little Tinkerbell figurines on the cake - I found them on clearance at the disneystore.com. Also got her Tinkerbell doll there. They normally are too pricey for me, but they have some great sales.

She's sooo excited. She's wearing the outfit that Buggy and Papa sent her. Cute as a button. I tried to convince her to let me do her hair - but she's a little headstrong. She hates ponytails 90% of the time. At least her hair was out of her eyes.

A Lalaloopsy doll from Grandma and Grandpa Giles - she didn't like Crumbs Sugar Cookie (doll's name) so she just calls her Rachel. Such a random name - but it seemed to stick. Rachel it is.

Tinkerbell. And that see that smile? It makes me wanna smile. Are you smiling yet?

Botanical Gardens and Proof there is a Santa

Last Christmas we went to the Botanical Gardens and loved it so much - that we decided to make it a family tradition. So this Christmas, we went again. Of course, true to our fashion - we got a late start getting out the door. I was worried we wouldn't make it before they close. But we did, by 15 minutes. They say they close at 8pm - but really that's just when they stop letting people in. The lights go out at 9pm. I think we will show up right before 8pm from now on. Less crowds, way better parking, and the line to Santa is manageable (and by manageable-instead of the line wrapping around the building, we had to wait for the person in front of us to finish up with their pictures). We had a nice relaxing time, except for Aleana. She thought we were walking too slow and taking too many pictures. Why is it, as the kids grow older - that the whining just grows louder? :)

Meeting Prancer...again.

It was a bit chilly, as Luke's nose can tell you - but I love his smirk. It's just like his daddy's.

Classic. And yes, I am getting this framed. It makes me smile with the knowledge that we are indeed normal. :)

And on to Christmas, and a great Christmas it was....

Santa brought Aleana an interactive globe. What gets me is how excited she is about it. If Santa gave me a globe when I was 10 yrs old - smiling would not be the first thing that came to mind :)

Stinky the Garbage Truck and a magic kit. Both well worth the investment!

Ariel - Hannah loves the long red hair. She already lost the shoes, only for Luke to find them. Why do they even bother putting them on these dolls?!?

Hannah in disbelief - she has MORE presents?

His favorite toy courtesy of Buggy and Papa

Gift from Grandma Buggy and Papa - ladybug kit and butterfly kit.

Slingshot Monkeys - from Grandma and Grandpa Giles. Did I mention that they screech upon impact? The dogs hate them.

Mind Maze - from the cousin gift exchange - Thanks Trevin!

Puzzle Erasers - from Buggy and Papa

I LOVE Melissa and Doug play sets, toys, books, and puzzles. This three little pig set is awesome! Thanks Buggy and Papa

If she could find a way to sleep in this fairy dress-up outfit - she would - from Grandma and Grandpa Giles

Sisterly love - even after the sugar high via Christmas stockings :)

Walkie-talkie watch set - gotta love the spy stuff.

Luke's Surfin' Spin. The kids quickly figured out that it will spin many other toys. Glad Luke gets to enjoy it now - because they were kind of hogging it. Sheesh. You'd think they didn't get anything.

A Kindle. Need I say more?

Payin' it forward...

So I got this super cute set of magnets from Kristal. It was one of those fb status updates that said "the first 5 people who reply to this will get something cute, crafty and homemade from me. But once you sign up you have to pay it forward..." (not those exact words...but you get the drift)

Ladies, the time has come - I am paying it forward. First 5 who leave a comment here gets something somewhat cute in the next month or so. Message me (fb or email) your mailing address too. :)

Man O' Man

So this is my hubby (on the left), hard at work. And at work he goes by Trace, not Tracy.

Here's an example as to why he is kind of partial to Trace:

The St Lukes Rehab place called me to set up some appointments for our sweet Luke. He has to see an occupational therapist, a physical therapist, a speech therapist, and a peds neuropsychiatrist (didn't even know one of those existed) - all to gage where he is at developmentally speaking (a contrast MRI will follow to check ventricle size in a couple of weeks). So the lady on the phone, Patty, was listing off dates that we can get these different appointments scheduled. I grab my calendar and start writing times down. As I finish, she starts verifying insurance info with me, and I confirm that Tracy is the card holder, give her the social security number and assure her it's our only insurance. Didn't put much thought into it. Honestly, I was just excited to get the ball rolling, so we can get some more answers for Luke.

Anyway, I hang up and start looking at the calendar, making sure there are no conflicts - when the phone rings. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hello?

Patty: Sheri?

Me: Yes...

Patty: This is Patty. Um...Okay. (Her uneasiness was growing). I don't know how to...Um...Okay...I am not sure how to say this, but I need to ask so I can input it in the system correctly. Is Tracy the FATHER of Luke or his other...M-M-MOTHER? (She's almost whispering at this point).

Me: (Laughing hysterically, trying to concentrate enough to get the answer out). HHEEEE'S the F-A-THER. Bwuahahahahaha.

Patty: I am so sorry. But I couldn't tell - I always thought "Tracy" was a girl's name - and well, you never know...

Me: (Tears are rolling down my face now...) Ya, I used to think so too.

Patty: Ohhh yaaaa, there's that singer that is named Tracy, and that's a guy. I am soooo sorry.

Me: Don't worry about it. It happens more often than you think.

And the conversation ends.

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Lesson 1. Pay more attention when giving out insurance information, ensuring that they know the correct gender BEFORE hanging up the phone.

Lesson 2. Try not to laugh too hard in order to limit the embarrassment of the medical receptionist.

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Hahahahaha - okay, who am I kidding? That was hilarious, and I am laughing with tears as I type this.

Poor Trace. Poor poor Tracy. Good thing he's my hot manly MAN:)

1 Month

It's actually been 1 1/2 months since my surgery. So far so good. No pictures - not brave enough to post those yet. Maybe when I hit my six month mark, I will post them. Maybe.

My thoughts so far...

1. The surgery wasn't near as painful as I thought it would be. Me and pain pills don't get along, so I thought it might be rough going. BUT - they found something that worked. Really, really good. Dilaudid (hydromorphone). Go figure - I'm allergic to codeine and vicodin, but bring out the morhpine, 'cause there's no problem here :) Except for the weird, very vivid dreams I had - the kind that feel so real it's a little scary. Especially when I am dreaming that I am a special ops officer in Afghanistan doing hand to hand combat (go ahead laugh). Not a good dream to have by the way. I learned very quickly to not skip the phenergan dose. It's supposed to help with nausea - but it also knocked me out enough that I don't remember my dreams. Now if I could only erase the special ops one, life would be better. Seriously, remembering how real it felt when a guy's neck broke in my hands, or warm blood - Creeped. Me. Out.

2. Anesthesia - now that's a different story. The few times I have had it before, there's never been a positive experience. When the Anesthesiologist came and ask questions right before my surgery, he asked what my reactions have been. I told him it made me really sick. So he loaded me up with some versed (happy juice that made me not care), fentanyl (to help counteract the pain I was about to incur), and zofran (to help with nausea). After the surgery, when I finally came out of it, I quickly realized that the zofran did jack. I warned the nurses that I was gonna hurl. And you know what they did? They shoved an aspirator tube thingy in my mouth. Ya, like that was going to catch anything. I hurled. Blood. Everywhere. I remember thinking not ever wanting to do that again - throwing up just after you had your stomach stapled is not a good feeling. Quite painful actually. If they tried to move me, I felt like throwing up again - so it took me a few more hours in recovery than what was considered "normal". So the kicker? The next day, as I was able to sort of get up and move around, I looked on the side of the bed where I had turned my head to hurl and made a discovery. Let's just say they didn't clean up very well. I blame it on the fact that it was a man nurse. Unfair? Maybe - but in my experience, men don't notice those details as much as women do. It is the same man nurse, his name is Mike by the way, that didn't believe me that my vein blew. I paged him THREE times, and he always sent his CNA with a warm blanket to wrap around the IV site. At change of shift, I showed the new nurse, Whitney, and she changed my IV. I wound up with a blood-clot (nothing bad, just super painful) thanks to that man nurse. Grrr.

3. Recovery - The Dr said plan on 4-6 weeks for recovery. After 2 weeks, I could start lifting things. So, I thought, I'm young - I should be able back no normal in no time flat. I've had 4 babies. Well I was wrong. The Dr knew what he was talking about (who knew?). Recovery was slow, and it took me about 3 weeks to be able to pick things up. I guess I had a bleed where one of the tools were, and I required lots of stitches that tugged and pulled inside. So the right side of my belly was really painful. I think at about a month, I started feeling much better. Good enough to start working out 6 days a week. And now (6weeks out), I have to say - I feel better than I did even before the surgery. I have energy (still need a little nap though) and I feel great when I am up and moving about.

4. Food. It hasn't been that bad, even through the holidays where people bring goody plates and have feasts. It wasn't that hard not to be able to eat what everyone else was. But now? I am missing bread. Bagels actually - the cinnamon raisin kind from Costco that my kids eat for breakfast. And popcorn - which I wasn't ever crazy about before, but I guess since I can't have it, my mind wants me to believe how great of a thing I am missing. I can't have grains, bread/carbs until I have lost 75% of my goal and popcorn...who knows. I went to the nutritionist at my 1 month check-up and she said I wasn't getting enough protein. So I have three small meals (protein with a few bites of fruit or veggies) and then a protein shake at night. I think I have perfected the protein shake. Protein powder either comes in chocolate or vanilla. So, I chose vanilla. It has such a strong taste and is a little too sweet for my liking. I tried mixing it with milk, greek yogurt (for more protein) and strawberries - but there was still the weird vanilla taste. I was complaining about to my brother Aaron and he recommended to try banana with it. It helps mask the vanilla protein flavor and helps with the texture. My brother is brilliant. I added about 1/4 of a banana to the mix and threw in 2 ice cubes and I have found something that tastes great - a real smoothie - that I can drink and get 15 - 20 grams of protein as well.

5. Weight? I lost 14 lbs in the first week. In the first month, I lost a total of 32 lbs. I am starting to see a difference. The other day, I fit into a shirt that I haven't worn in almost 4 years. And when I say "fit", I mean really fit - no tightness or pulling. You know what? It felt awesome. I am making progress. My weight-loss has slowed down quite a bit in the last 2 weeks. I am losing, but not as fast as I would like. I also have been working out. I have managed 6 times a week for the last two weeks. I haven't done that in a very long time. I am hoping the weight will start dropping a little faster now that my muscles are getting used to this new thing called exercise.

Overall - I feel great. I have a desire to exercise and eat right as well as read and do my hobbies. I feel a little bit more alive and in control. I like it.

Old Photograph

(Greg, Toynette, Vicki, Eva Lou with Lyneva on her lap)

I love old photographs - it links us to our past.

And to our future. Aleana sure reminds me of my mom.

Twenty - Eleven

Well this past year has come and gone. And I think we packed about as much as one can in a year.

We tuned in to watch the ball drop in NY, and as it fell - the kids cheered, the hubby swung Hannah around, and I cried. Yep, cried - real tears and everything. The cheering turned into silence, the kids exchanged looks of confusions with each other and their Dad.

Why is mom crying this time?

Now to be honest, I was just as surprised as they were. It seemed to come way out of left field. I was completely unprepared. At first, I think they were tears of relief. 2010 is FINALLY over. We have been tried and stretched much further than I ever imagined. And then as that feeling of relief passed, I was overcome by a strong sense of gratitude. For as many crazy things that have happened - we have received far greater in blessings.

I purposely didn't set any resolutions for 2010. I think it may have been because I was too pregnant. I knew the year would be about survival, having a sweet baby boy join our family. But it has been far more than surviving - having learned more of life's lessons than I can count.

So for 2011 - I think it's time for some new goals. Fresh year, fresh start. I have heard many different approaches to setting these resolutions. Pick a word or words to become. Try to set a goal for each perspective of your life. Don't set any resolutions that can't be achieved. Write them down.

And I figure I can do a little bit of everything, since really, it all kind of ties together. Here it goes:

Words of the year:

1. Quiet - I just want a quiet year. I am sure it will be busy and hectic and things will come that are out of my control. But in what I CAN control - I want a quiet, simple life.

2. Balance - This goes right along with quiet. I need to find a better balance. A balance between work and play. A balance between my husband and kids. And a balance between all that is required of me as a mom, and what I need just for me. And a balance between me and my relationship with my Savior.

Perspectives of Life:

1. Physical - I kind of got an early start on that in December (so far so good). I want to exercise at least 5 times a week to help keep and build muscle mass as my body shrinks (I love that word).

2. Mental - I want to study one subject a month. It could be a person, an era in history, a culture. But something different each month. When I actually get the time to sit down and read - I find myself craving more. Maybe this is a way to be more effective about it. I was also thinking that I could maybe blog about it. We'll see how it goes.

3. Spiritual - Daily scripture study. I used to be really good at this, and then I had kids. Things change and there is a season for everything. But my soul needs this. It aches, and I know it is because I need to be closer to my Savior.

4. Emotional - Keep a journal. Write my thoughts down. I used to keep a daily journal. I wrote in it everyday from the time I was 12 to after I turned 19 (hmmm - right around the time I started dating Tracy. He was too much of a distraction).

Now that I have set goals, the question keeps coming to my mind of how I am going to achieve them. Yes, having a plan will help. I have actually put a lot of thought into this. I have tried to come up with a hundred different options, just to avoid the ONE option that I know will work. Alas, nothing really compares the the best option, even if it means GREAT sacrifice on my part. And the best option is? Waking up 1 to 1 1/2 hours earlier than the kids. Eeek. Did I mention that I am not a morning person? Sigh. I think this will be the hardest part. I know that if I get up earlier that will allow me to actually work on the goals I have set. It will give me time to have scripture study - to ponder and reflect. It allow me to have some quiet in my life. It will give me personal time to work on me. It will allow me to exercise and shower without interruption. I could even journal about the day before when I am actually rested - so I won't have to rush through it.

See, it all kind of ties together.

Now I know I won't be able to do all of it everyday, but I gotta start somewhere. And hopefully next New Year's Eve, when I cry it will not only be because of gratitude, but also from a sense of accomplishment.

I am the elephant in the room.

So, it's no big news that I have a weight problem. It's a struggle I have been dealing with since I had my first kid. People warned me that once you start having kids - your body treats you different.

I hate that they were right.

And I regret that I didn't listen.

Diet after diet - it just kind of gets depressing. All you read about is how if you just exercise and diet enough, you will lose the weight (thanks Biggest Loser). To a degree that is true. Now dropping 20lbs in a diet/exercise mode is easy. I have done it so many times - it's kind of sad. But it's after the 20lbs that gets me frustrated. The diet seems to stop working. Again. And again. Some call it a plateau - but I don't. For a person my size, losing 20lbs is not a plateau - it's just a drop in the bucket. It appears that my body doesn't like change. Big surprise there - neither does my mind or heart. I guess that's the problem.

I have always been pretty sure about where I come from and where I want to go. I have a loving husband. Awesome kids. My parents and siblings all love me and have been very supportive of me. But it's what they don't say to me...because it's too painful and I don't want to hear. And they don't lecture me because they love me. They know that if they say too much, I will probably collapse - along with the fine house of cards that I have been carefully building for appearance sake. It isn't a ready topic for discussions at family get-togethers or reunions. But I am very aware it's there. I feel it when I hug somebody. I see it in a friend's eyes who hasn't seen me since my pre-baby days. I see the worry on my parents face, as they know what kind of life (or the lack thereof) lies ahead for me. And what about my poor supportive husband, who just wants me to be healthy? He gets the pleasure of walking a really fine line between being my support coach and being a little too supportive, which I then turn into criticism. But just because no one talks about it, doesn't mean it isn't there. The fact remains the same.

I am the elephant in the room.

Everyone has faults, black skeletons hidden deep away in a dark closet of choices. Not everyone wears those faults for world to see. But mine? Mine is right out there, screaming to anyone who looks. I AM FAT! (Which unfortunately translates to most as I AM FAT BECAUSE I CAN'T STOP EATING AND I AM LAZY). Now honestly, strangers, or those who have never had to understand what it is truly like to be overweight (I am not just talking about the being-pregnant-kind of overweight here) - what they think and how they judge people like me really doesn't bother me too deeply. In their defense, they just don't know. They don't know me. And they don't know all my struggles.

But my friends and family? Now that's a different story. It's completely opposite actually. I very much care about what my loved ones think and how they feel about me. What's interesting is I find myself trying to justify my current weight and my efforts to change it every chance I get. Whether it's me telling them about this diet I have started, an awesome exercise routine I found, or my on-going battle with PCOS - I always try to make it sound like I am trying fix my problem. Why? Guilty conscience. I know what I have done. I know I have let them down. I have let my kids down. I have let myself down. And I am failing at trying to fix it.

Feeling like a failure, and being reminded so with every look in the mirror, doesn't do good for one's well-being. It wears on a person. Literally. At what point did I wake up and realize that the person staring back at me in the mirror wasn't me? Sure, I recognized the chubby checks, brown hair, and the not so funny laugh-lines. But the eyes? Something was different about the eyes. Ah, yes. They were different. Dull. Transparent. Hopeless. Full of disappointment and embarrassment. Where did the spark go? Where was my spunk? My feisty-ness had done got up and left. And found myself emotionally hiding behind a wall of white, fluffy fat. How is it that a body can get bigger and a heart get smaller at the same time?

I have no answers, and probably won't for sometime. What I do know, is that it's time. It's a battle to feel good about one's self when in constant defeat. These battles are obviously taking their toll. Enough is enough. I miss me. And I miss my life. So, I enlisted in the battle of all battles. It's gonna be epic. And I am ready for epic.

On December 1st, I had gastric bypass surgery. It was a decision 5 years in the making. Yes, 5 years from the time I got the information from the insurance until the time I took the plunge. It took me that long to realize that I am okay. I am okay to ask for help. And I am not alone. It was a nerve-racking decision to make. But I did it. And I feel great. Let me be clear - I know gastric bypass is not a cure. It is just a tool. I know that there will be a lot of healing taking place over the next 1 1/2 years. Oh how my soul aches for some healing.

Of course, there has been some nay-sayers about the surgery. (It would be very immature of me to stick my tongue out and say pstubshhsshhst to them, wouldn't it?) There will always those - and quite frankly, I am used to being judged. They don't know me. They don't know my heart. And I don't feel like I have to justify my reasons. (again with the pstubshshshstst) It is what it is. I am fat and I am doing something about it. I have full support of my family. And with their love, and my fight - I feel up to the challenge.

The best thing so far? I am starting to remember who I am. There's some spunk in my eyes. Just a little bit anyway. I am two weeks post-surgery. I am sore. I am tired. I feel great and a little scared.

There's hope after all.

Funnies...

So I haven't been very diligent with writing down all the funny things the kids say...but every once in awhile I remember jot it down. I think I finally have enough....

Right after Luke was born and home from the hospital, this conversation took place between me and Trent:

Trent: MOM! Can I go...

Me: (in a forced whisper) Shhhh - I am feeding Luke, you need to be quiet.

Trent: But Mom - I just wanted...

Me: (forced whisper and angry eyes) I mean it! When I am finished I will talk to you.

Trent: Mo...Oh ya. Mom are you still milking?

Me: It's called nursing. Milking is for cows. I am not a cow.

Although I may feel like it with the amount of milk Luke drinks...but I am not about to admit that to my 6 yr old boy.

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Hannah and I were talking while Luke was taking a nap, and I was quizzing her on animal noises.

Mom: What makes this noise? Oink. Oink.

Hannah: A pig.

Mom: Good job. So what makes this noise? Cockledoodledoo!!!

Hannah: A flying pig.

To take a line from Charlotte's Web, Now that SOME PIG!

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Trent was making all his animal and car noises, when I asked him to stop:

Mom: Trent, Puh-lease be quiet. I have a migraine.

Trent: What's a migraine.

Mom: It's a kind of headache.

Trent: Is it the kind where they have to drill a hole in your head to make you feel better?

Mom: No, it's just a really bad headache. It kind of feels like there's somebody in there trying to make my head explode.

Trent: Oooohh, I know. It's where you hear voices in your head and they keep talking, and it makes your head hurt.

I just don't even know where to start with that one.

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Words between me and Hannah:

Me: Oooo, Mom's getting sleepy. I think it's time for you to go to bed Hannah.

Hannah: No Thank you.

Hmmm - Polite AND defiant. Two words that I never thought would be in the same sentence when describing a 2 yr old.

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I was in the kitchen, kneading some dough for pizza on the counter. Apparently, Trent has never seen me do this (um...where has he been for the past 6 years?) He came and looked over the counter top and said with big eyes full of astonishment, "Wow, Mom! I didn't know you knew how to do that. It's like you are a REAL Chef!"

Isn't that part of a mother's resume? Not all moms are good chefs - but we do have to feed our kids. Glad to know that I now qualify as a REAL Chef.

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Today we were supposed to go to church. I was sick, as were Aleana and Hannah. So we stayed home and vegged. We have these huge bean bags in our TV room that are a favorite to lounge in, and make for perfect "veg" time in front of the tube. Tracy took his place squarely in the middle of the green one, wrapped himself up in a cozy blanket, and tuned into the football game. Soon enough, Aleana and Hannah cozied up next to him, one on each side. I thought it was cute...him and his girls watchin' the game. A few moment later, Aleana said, "Wow, dad! Nigeria just scored some points!" Tracy asks "Nigeria? Where did you get that from?". Aleana - "You know NYG - NIIGGGERRRIIAA". Tracy was laughing so hard, he was barely able to explain who the New York Giants were.

Although it was funny, you have to hand it to her. At least she was trying to understand it. She gets some kudos points for that.

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And now for some old quotes that I found in an old draft - but never posted. Of course, they are all said by Trent:

Mom, I'm not sick anymore. My red eyes are white and my snotting is gone!

I am glad you are feeling good?

Mom, when is Aleana going to get bath-tized?

Everyday or else she stinks. Oh, you mean bap-tized? :)

When Hannah was just a newborn, I asked Trent to "keep an eye on her" while I got him a snack. When I came back, he said "Mom, someone has to take care of Hannah, I can't handle all of this."

If we were like the Incredibles we could save a lot of people.

Does being a Mom count as a Super Hero? I'd like to think so :)

Scary Skeleton - One on one

Trent - Halloween 2010

What is your favorite toy to play with? This (holds up the toy he has) boxing machine.

How many teeth have you lost? 5

What is your favorite thing about school? Recess (Not too surprised on that one!)

What is your least favorite chore to do? Help wash the dishes. (Probably because he just had to do that.)

How pieces of pizza can you eat? Like about 3. Cuz one time at the church primary program practice thing I ate like 3 maybe 4, and then some Oreo cookies.

What is you favorite game to play? XBox

What is your favorite color? Blue

What book do you like to read the most? Bad Kitty vs. Uncle Murray

What is it like to be a big brother? That I can climb on top of the monkey bars and walls and poles. It's fun cuz I can do all sorts of things

What do you miss about the summer? Swimming. Just swimming.

What is your favorite animal? Hummingbird because when we went to Silver City the hummingbird's tails were really pretty when they would fly and eat nectar.

Tell me a joke -

Trent: Knock, Knock.

Me: Who's there?

Trent: Interrupting Cow

Me: Interrupti...

Trent: MOO!

What do you want to be when you grow up? Instead of being a baseball player, I changed my mind. I want to be a Tae Kwon Do teacher.

What is your favorite part about Christmas, besides getting presents? Set up the Christmas tree. I don't know.

Interview with my favorite Ice Princess

Aleana - Halloween 2010

What is your favorite color? Blue

Do you have a crush? Yes (with a nervous grin)

Who? Matth-ew (in broken whispers)

What is your least favorite food? Brussel sprouts

What game(s) do you like to play? Stratego, Dance Dance Revolution, Chess, 4-Square

What were you doing when you found out that your sister was born? Ummm - I was at some body's house, late at night, and then the phone rang and then they gave the phone to me and then they told me my sister was born.

How did you feel when Luke was born? That we are now part of a big family and that we'll probably have lots of nieces and nephews

What is your favorite food? Almost anything with noodles in it. Almost.

How many books have you read this year? I do not know. A lot.

What is your favorite memory? Ummm - this just came to my head, but I don't know if it's my favorite - but it's when dad was teaching me how to swim in Germany.

What is your first memory? Ummm - First memory? Was...when we went to some body's house and I was playing with this little Barney toy and I was also playing with this little car and the grown-ups were talking and I was sitting in the middle of the room.

What do you remember about being baptized? That I had a very happy feeling inside and it was the best feeling I ever felt. And that my mom was crying when I came into the bathroom to get changed. I also knew that I made the right choice to get baptized. And that I had a big party afterward. And people wrote notes to me and the other person who was getting baptized and I still have those notes to this day. And that I spilled orange juice on my dress.

Do prefer cats or dogs? Cats. Wait, actually it's kind of hard to decide. Ya, it's Cats.

Vanilla or chocolate ice cream? Chocolate (no hesitation in the one...)

What are you afraid of? Umm - Being on the edge of a very high place, but not necessarily height. Bad dreams, because I have really, really bad dreams. I am afraid of what can happen overnight like a fire or tornadoes and tsunamis because I don't want to drown. Oh, and people robbing us.

What is your favorite cookie? Double chocolate chip - or the thing that has the most chocolate in it.

What is your favorite thing about Christmas, besides the presents? How everybody is happy and how most people are happy because they are giving presents and they aren't thinking about themselves and are grateful for what they have.

What are you thinking about right now? Um, how ancient our computer looks, like it's really old.

What do you want to be when you grow up? I want to be a mathematician, a scientist or something that involves art or writing.

Update

We went to Luke's appointment with Dr. Cherny (peds neurosurgeon) yesterday.

His take on all of this? "It's a gray area". (Which, I have to say - it is quite an interesting way to word it since we are talking about gray matter). And although we were hoping that he would just say "All is well" and that the tests were a fluke, this is the next best thing. It means we aren't going to have to do any major surgery for the time being. But we will have to monitor things - because we just don't know.

Basically, Luke's hydrocephalus isn't common. Dr. Cherny only sees about 1-2 cases a year. The Dr. explained to us that he usually sees two group of kids that come in with big heads. The first big head group have no symptoms, other than the size of their noggins. When further tests are ran, it proves that there is nothing wrong. The ventricles are not dilated. Basically - they just have big heads.

The second big head group that he sees have other symptoms like decompensation of gross motor-skills, lethargy, sunsetting eyes - stuff that makes it obvious that there something is wrong. Upon testing, the results reveal enlarged ventricles (hydrocephalus). This group requires action to be taken. Surgery.

Luke obviously doesn't fit any of those groups. He behaves like a normal 9 month old baby. The only symptom he has is the size of his head. However, with his tests, we know he does in fact have enlarged ventricles. Now if all 4 of his ventricles were enlarged, then the Dr. wouldn't be too concerned. There are rare cases where the size of the ventricles may be large in comparison to the 'norm', but function just fine. The thing that is concerning is that the 4th ventricle is a normal size. So there is a good chance that Luke does in fact have aqueductal stenosis. It just might be very slow-moving.

Translation? Only time will tell. We talked to the Dr. for about an hour. He was very good at answering any questions, and we came up with a good plan. Luke will need to be seen by an opthamologist. His eyes will need to be dilated so the Dr. can see the nerves behind the eyes. It is common for those nerves to be inflamed when there is increased intracranial pressure (which is what we are worried about). If they are inflamed, then we know this is true hydrocephalus (vs. benign hydrocephalus) and we will have to do something about it. If they are not inflamed, then we just sit and wait. We will have to get another MRI (this time a sedation one) as well as see a developmental specialist to see where Luke is at in February.

So we wait. And then see how things go from there...

And we are okay with that.

A Diagnosis.

I know it seems like all I have blogged about lately is the baby. I do have other things in the works...but right now, this is our life...

Luke - 9 months

Stats:

Weight: 23lbs 3oz (75%)

Length: 29" (85%)

Head: 20" (off the chart - average size of a 3yr old)

Yes, you are reading it correctly. Our son is a big boy, with a really, really big noggin. Not too surprised there. All our kids have big heads. They get it from their father. Really. They get my chubby cheeks, and his giant head (and I am qualified to say "giant" head because I am the one who has given birth to them). That's just kind of the way our genes work. Of course this hasn't gone unnoticed by the doctor. Since Luke kind of had a rough start, he has been monitored fairly regularly. Sweet boy's head has been measuring completely off the charts since he was a month old. The Dr. hasn't been too worried, as the rest of Luke's measurements were hovering pretty high too (which is really pretty amazing considering everything).

However, all the changed when I took Luke in for his 9 month well-baby check. The nurse took us back to our room, and started taking measurements; weight, length and head. Routine stuff. Dr. Aldous comes in and starts asking the normal questions about development. No, Luke isn't technically crawling, but he is doing the army-crawl thing - so he's getting there. No, he can't sit up by himself. If I set him down, in a seated position, he's great. But once he's on his belly, he can't get back into the seated position. Yes, he's rolling over. Yes, he's eating solids. The Dr. listened to Luke's heart, checked his hips and all the other stuff. Then he measured Luke's head again. Dr. Aldous shook his head. He mumbled to himself, something about the measurements being right. Then he continues to ask me the same developmental/milestone questions again. It's not like anything has changed in the last 5 minutes, my answers were still the same. After he finished the second line of questioning, he told me he was concerned with the size of Luke's head. He acknowledged that big heads are normal for our kids, but he was worried about the spike in the growth pattern that Luke had been following. Dr. Aldous showed me on his computer screen. He was right. A spike, like a straight-up-kind-of -line, spike. He wanted to check and see if anything was wrong with his head and mentioned something about ventricles (not like I was really paying attention - Luke was just fine - sweet as ever). He ordered an ultrasound.

Now, to be honest, I didn't think that the test was warranted. Like I said before, my kids have big heads. Luke was just hitting a growth spurt. Why should I spend money for a needless test, especially with Christmas right around the corner? But - I have learned to trust Dr. Aldous. He was the one that was able to diagnose Luke with his swallowing/cyanosis issues as well as helping us figure out what treatments worked best with Luke's reflux. So, for peace of mind, we went to get the ultrasound done.

The cranial ultrasound was done on Luke's soft spot. It took about 20 minutes, with the technician talking to Luke, just so he would flash his dimples at her. Seriously those dimples wield magical powers. When she finished, she cleaned up his head and said, "Well, let me clear this with the Dr. (radiologist) and then we can release you".

Red Flag #1

Release me? Since when did I need to be released from an out-patient ultrasound?

The radiologist came in and had the technician get a few more shots of whatever was going on in Luke's head, as they quietly talked amongst themselves.

Red Flag #2

I began to get a little worried. The radiologist turned to me and said that there was concern about some of the ventricles in Luke's head.

What? Ventricles? What the...

"What do you mean?" I asked. She tried to explain it to me, but the sheer look of panic on my face must have told her to stop. She told me she would notify my Dr. and if I had anymore questions, then I could ask him.

Anymore questions? That's the scary part. I don't know anymore questions to ask. I don't know enough. What do ventricles even do?...

I arrived home at 12:15pm from the 10:30am ultrasound, and the Dr, not his nurse or MA, but Dr. Aldous himself called me at 12:30pm.

Man these red flags are coming up everywhere.

The Dr. explained a little more about what was going on:

The ultrasound showed that Luke's lateral and third ventricles were enlarged. (Which was surprising, given that all his ultrasounds in utero were normal). Enlarged ventricles can mean many things, most of which are scary for any parent to hear. They signify that there is a build up of CSF (cerebrospinal fluid - the fluid that basically bathes the brain to keep it protected as well as carry out the wastes produced by the brain) in the head. A medical term for it? Hydrocephalus.

Hydrocephalus, (congenital or acquired) is not "curable". It is a result from things like malformations, chromosomal disorders, cysts, tumors, blood-clots, intraventricular bleeds, stoke and on and on...Nothing good. However, not all of Luke's ventricles were enlarged - just the lateral and third, but not the 4th. This led the Dr. to believe it might be something called aqueductal stenosis. Aqueductal stenosis - is an obstruction or blockage (think slow moving drain) that is preventing enough CSF to flow through to the 4th ventricle, hence the build up. (CSF travels like a canal system - from the laterals, to the 3rd, and then the 4th). If hydrocephalus is not treated and managed correctly, ICP (intracranial pressure) can build up causing brain damage and sometimes death. Most of the time, putting a shunt in the brain to help drain the fluid is the only effective treatment.

Brain surgery.

Dr. Aldous wanted to get an MRI on Luke (which meant that Luke needed to be sedated) for a more detailed look. I can honestly say, that there was a lot to take in, and most of it I didn't understand. Well, until I googled it. Google is a necessary evil when it comes to worried moms.

I got off the phone in absolute shock. All Luke has, is a big head...no other signs, or symptoms - except for maybe his milestones. Other symptoms of hydrocephalus in babies are bulging soft spot, prominent veins on the scalp (which he may or may not have - kind of hard to tell if they are prominent because they are too big, or because he's bald and very, very white), sunsetting eyes, irritability, vomiting, and delayed milestones. His milestones are still considered in the "normal" range, but on the low side of that, which is I guess why the Dr. questioned me twice about it.

He's just suffering from 4th kid syndrome, he gets carried around too much. How can something be wrong with my baby? He's perfectly fine...right?

And then the pure panic, dread-in-the heart, mama-bear-showing-her-claws kind of Sheri came out. I wanted some answers.

Denise, Dr. Aldous's nurse, who understands the mom-heart-strings thing, did her best to get us scheduled for an MRI, which I greatly appreciate. I got a phone call from St. Luke's (yes, it seems Luke has his very own hospital - the irony) confirming the MRI for that Thursday. Three days of waiting, not too bad. But then I began to worry even more. Man, this must be serious. Not 2 hours later, I got another phone call from St. Luke's cancelling that very same appointment. The MRI scanner was down, and it would be at least 1 1/2 weeks to get the part and fix it. So I would have to wait. WAIT?!? This cannot wait. So then started all the phone calls between my Dr. and his nurse, the hospital, the peds neurosurgeon and his nurse, and me. Because Luke was showing no other symptoms, he was not technically considered an "emergency". Sure there were other MRI machines available, but Luke needs an anesthesiology team, because he has to get put under for the scan. No anesthesiologists were available unless is was an emergency. Grrr!

Finally, this past Monday (1 week since the ultrasound) I got a call from my Dr.'s office telling me that I needed to leave now, there was an MRI machine available for a one-shot MRI. From what I can tell, a one-shot MRI only takes a few minutes to scan (because it isn't a contrast MRI?). Therefore Luke wouldn't need to be sedated. So I rushed to the hospital, and they took Luke right in. They strapped him down, and the scan lasted a whole 6 minutes. He cried for a little bit, but seemed to be more enamored about the clicking noises he could hear through the earplugs. I was behind the window, looking at the screen as the images popped up. Obviously, I am not a radiologist, but even I could tell that the ventricles were indeed enlarged.

The technicians told me to expect to get the results in 24-48 hours. Great, more waiting. I feel like there is ticking time bomb and no one can move fast enough. Imagine my surprise (even though at this point, I really shouldn't be surprised), when I get a call from Dr. Aldous' office 2 hours after the scan, telling me that the radiologist had called and confirmed what the ultrasound found: enlarged ventricles. I asked what that meant, and they didn't know the details because the official results weren't in yet. The radiologist was just calling Dr. Aldous to give him a heads up. Dr. Aldous had put in a call to Dr. Cherny (peds neurosurgeon) to get a consult, as Luke is the only case that has presented like this, in all of Dr. Aldous' 25 years of being a pediatrician. But we all know how easy it is to contact a neurosurgeon, not to mention one with a specialty. Sigh. More waiting.

Wednesday, Dr. Aldous finally got the official results of the one-shot MRI: The same ventricles were enlarged. Mild to moderate Hydrocephalus confirmed. No growths detected. Suspect aqueductal stenosis - but cannot confirm. When I got off the phone I felt confused and relieved at the same time. Relieved because there weren't any significant cysts, tumors, or detectable malformations. Confused, because they are still not completely sure what is causing it.

Thursday, Dr. Aldous called me. He had finally got to talk to Dr. Cherny. Dr. Cherny felt there is definite cause for concern. And he wants to see us soon. However, from the sound of things - because it is mild to moderate - he wants to take a slower approach. Translation: We don't have to show up at the initial neurosurgeon appointment with our bags packed in preparation for surgery. HUGE relief. Dr. Aldous said he was quite surprised, as he thought Luke would need to get a shunt right away. Luke has his first appointment with Dr. Cherny this coming Tuesday. The treatment plan depends on what Dr. Cherny finds. He might want to send us to get more tests run. We might have to see more specialists to determine where Luke is with his milestones. We just don't know.

So now it is Friday, as I type this. It's the first time in almost two weeks that I haven't been on pins and needles waiting for a phone call. I have spent sleepless nights researching - trying to find someone else in the same boat as us. Trying to find hope. Trying to help Luke.

My house is trashed. My kids are worried.

I love holding my baby as he sleeps, and rubbing his perfectly round head (my favorite thing to do - he has loved it since day 1). Then reality hits me, with a stab in the heart. Here is this beautiful, sweet boy who is happy all the time. Here is this big boy who loves to cuddle and seems perfectly healthy, without a care in the world. He has no idea. How can this be happening?

He's just a baby, so innocent.

I have cried. Trace has cried. It's hard not knowing how to fix it. I am scared. I am reminded that it's not me in control. And perhaps the hardest thing for me to admit, is I can't make it all better. As a mom, that's my job. And I don't have that kind of band-aid. My dear, sweet Luke, I am so sorry. If I could take this from you, I would.

What we can do is pray. A lot. And hope. I know the Lord loves us, he is aware of our situation. And I do know that he hears and answers prayers.

The time has come...

As much as I have fought it, the time has come. I have decided to make my blog private. I originally set up this blog to keep my family and friends in the loop. Probably should keep it that way. If you want an invite - and didn't message me on facebook about it - leave a comment or email me your address.

Inevitable Milestones.

Time. (Sigh). Time is up to no good. Pretending to be ever constant and calm while it's just tick-ticking away. Beware, don't let it fool you. It speeds up and slows down at just the wrong...time. Diets, trials, and pregnancy - are all painfully slow. Children, birthdays, holidays, and school? They all seem to fly by way too fast.

Take babies for example. Such hard work to get here. The waiting, the planning, the labor. They get placed in your arms, and then you blink. Everything changes. With each baby you have, you gain a better understanding of how truly fast life keeps-a-movin'. And it won't wait for you. My first baby? I could not wait for the next new thing. The first smile. Baby food. Crawling. Walking. It was so much fun to experience it right along with her.

But this time? This time, it's different. I find myself holding on, desperately grasping every little thing I can. Maybe it's just me knowing, well not for sure, that Luke is our caboose. Honestly, I am fighting the whole way. I am kicking and screaming, and quite frankly getting a little teary-eyed every time he reaches a new milestone. It's not that I am unhappy. We are blessed. He is healthy and growing and learning. Each time I smell and kiss that Charlie Brown head of his, my heart warms. And aches. I am reminded that the baby smell won't last forever. I keep smelling it, hoping to permanently engrave it in my brain. Babies are beautiful.

It has been a big week of firsts for our sweet boy. The time has come to stop nursing. This has been, by far, the longest that I have nursed any of my kids. Reflux and his swallowing issues have played a big role in it. And even though it was hard and demanding, I came to love it. In some ways, I needed it just as much as he did.

Weaning? Well, that is another story. NOT fun. Luke refused to take a bottle. First, I tried my normal cold turkey approach. Apparently he was a little more attached (er, latched) to nursing than I thought. So, I slowed it down a bit, only trying the bottle for one feeding a day. I tried for two weeks...TWO very long, agonizing weeks. I tried everyday, for 1 1/2 hours - to get him to take a bottle, or at least a sippy-cup. He would not have it. He seemed to get little angrier with each attempt (hence the not fun part). So for that feeding time, I would have to resort to using a syringe and dropping the milk in his mouth. And the kicker was he didn't seem to mind the syringe. Temporary solution, I'll take whatever I can.

Sixty dollars, 9 different bottles, 4 different sippy-cups, and three syringes later - I found something that worked. I had to swaddle him, burrito baby style, with his right arm out. Lay him on a pillow, on my bed, where he could be propped up. I could lay by him, but not touch him. I had my phone set on games, plus five more baby toys that make noise, lined up to entertain and distract him, as he played with his free arm. Then I had to dip the top of the bottle nipple (Nuk orthodontic was the magic bottle for us) in corn syrup, and put the bottle in his mouth. He would take a few swallows, until the corn syrup taste wore off, then I would have to repeat. But he caught on. And when he finished that bottle - we both did a happy dance. It's silly - the things we do for babies. The happy dance was short-lived as reality hit - another milestone has been reached. The little twinge in my heart told me so.

Luke has also started crawling. Sort of. He has taken the longest out of all the kiddos to reach this stage (he outlasted Hannah by a month and Aleana and Trent by 3 1/2 months). He started out doing the funniest thing. I can't describe his crawling method, except he looked just like an inch-worm, inching across the floor, with his bum up in the air and everything. I am kicking myself because I didn't get it on video. And now I can't, because he has officially moved to the army crawl stage. I think he will stay here for awhile. That's what I am telling myself, so I can still remain in full denial mode. My baby is NOT growing up, and there is no reason to be sad because no new milestone has been reached. (My method of thinking is flawed I know.)

Then something wonderful happened in this week of firsts. Luke said his first real word. It wasn't the "just making noises and repeating them back" kind of word, but an actual word, with recognition. Any guesses? Was it following suit of his siblings by saying, "da-da"? Nope. Luke has broken from the pack. Yes sir, he has bucked the tradition of this household. And he has scored major points with me. That's right, he said "Mama". Maybe that's why we share birthdays.

1st Halloween - Chunky Monkey

Okay, so maybe I can't slow down how quick babies grow and change. I can't stop the inevitable. He's gonna crawl, and walk, and {shudder} grow up. I can't slow it down. Most of the time, I fight it - until I think long enough to realize how incredibly blessed I am. I get to experience all these milestones. I get to be a "Mama". I am grateful.

Sweet.

So sweet. I cried.

Beauty

Hannah has worn this princess dress for 5 days straight (minus the few hours it takes to wash and dry). As I was tucking her in her bed at nap time today, she said "Mom, I am a princess. I am beautiful". She said it without a doubt, without a care. Just stating a fact. It made my heart melt a little, and gave me a few seconds to ponder. The things we learn from our kids. And the things they help us remember.

We are beautiful. It's not just when we are 2 yr olds and like to play dress-up. We are of divine nature. Forever.